June 23, 2009

dear jessica,

My husband and I can't agree on something. I want my 4 and 6 year old kids to stay young and innocent. I let them watch Disney and things like that for kids. He likes to let them stay up and watch movies that I think are TMI. Like PG13 and even some R. HELP! How can I protect my kids without getting into a knock down screaming fight with their dad?

Wanting peace and innocence in Iowa

*****
dear wanting,

It sounds to me like you and your husband need to have a good chat about this. I think at some point, when you two are alone and there are no distractions and you are both in a decent mood you need need to bring this topic up. Explain why you feel these PG-13 and R movies are inappropriate and ask him to explain why he thinks they are appropriate for your 4 and 6 year olds to watch... and make sure you listen.

Some other things to consider... are your kids watching these movies with you and your husband or are they watching them by themselves or as a way to keep them occupied while you and/or dad are doing something else? I don't think there are many PG-13 and R rated movies that are appropriate for young kids to watch, but at the same time, there might be some that, if you watched as a family and paused the movies to discuss along the way, it could be a good learning opportunity. Since I don't have kids, I don't ever filter movies through the eyes of a child so I can't even think of any examples of appropriate PG-13 and R movies at this point.

There is also a difference in movies rated PG-13 and R for sexual content, swearing, drug use and crude humor, and movies that are rated that way because of war scenes or action. So what is the content of these movies?

I agree that it's important to keep your kids innocent and there are many things in life they don't need to know until they are older, but at the same time, kids will be exposed to stuff through TV, media, other kids, school etc that you can't avoid. Maybe you and your husband can compromise and find movies that could offer some degree of education (like a movie about an event in history)... as I mentioned previously, maybe you can discuss the movie and see if the kids have questions, pausing the movie as you watching it to talk.

To avoid the knock down screaming fight try to plan what movie you are going to watch in advance so the decision can be discussed rather than you and your husband having two different opinions in the moment that you are about to watch the movie.

And frankly, another thing to consider is what movies do your kids like best? Are they more entertained by kid movies? They might like those better!

Finally, maybe it's time to bust out the board games and add a new dimension to family night. You mentioned your husband likes to let them stay up late sometimes to watch these movies... what about family game and popcorn night? It fosters communication and family bonding and is probably a more constructive way to spend the evening anyway!

Any readers have any additional thoughts? I don't have kids so I can't speak from experience.

Not from experience on this one,
jessica

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Dear Jessica,

I am in desperate need of help. Myself and my daughter continue to get really, oh how do I put this nicely, hideous gifts from my husband's grandma. I usually accept them graciously with a smile on my face and they end up being donated to a charity or going in the garage sale box. But how would you recommend accepting them? Would it be ok for me to decline accepting them?

Sincerely,

Gift Madness

*****

Dear Gift Madness,

This is definitely a tough situation and one I think that everyone can relate to. I honestly think that what you are doing- accepting them graciously and then either donating or selling at a garage sale at a later date- is perfect... well, as long as grandma doesn't come to your garage sale!

I think there are times when it is appropriate to make an extra effort though depending on what the gift is. For example, if Great Aunt Gertrude knits you a sweater, wear it to the next family dinner. It would make her feel really special and it takes little effort on your part. Everyone else would know why you are wearing it, too, so it could be kind of funny to reminisce about when Great Aunt Gertrude isn't around.

I would advise to always graciously accept gifts. When someone gives you something, they typically are good intentioned and as cheesy at it sounds, "it's the thought that counts." For me personally, it means that someone was thinking about me when we weren't together and I think that is kind of neat.

Oh and if someone includes the receipt, by all means, exchange it. That is what they included it for!

Graciously,

Jessica

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dear jessica,

When I finished university, a friend got me a great job with her small family firm. Unfortunately, her mother-in-law didn't not approve of the hire, and now she is making life miserable for me. I think I'm doing my job well, but I never get approval from her. She can't seem to even be civil with me. I'm thinking of quitting and looking for a different position, but my friend assures me she'll eventually come around. I feel like I'm right in the middle of their issue. How long should I give it? Any suggestions for winning the mother-in-law's approval?

Can't catch a break, in Cleveland

*****

dear Can't Catch a Break,

My first reaction is wondering why the friend is allowed to hire if the mother-in-law clearly doesn't trust her decisions. I also wonder if this is a problem between your friend and her mother-in-law (MIL) as you alluded to or if the MIL really has a problem with you.

I am assuming the MIL is either owner of the business or at least has lots of say in what goes on and I honestly think the best way to approach this is to chat with the MIL. Not to ask her what her deal is, but just say something like, "Since you are the owner/manager, what you think of my job performance is important to me. I'd like to schedule some time with you if you don't mind and get some feed back on my performance." This will show her that a) you care about the family business and b) you want to do the best you can and c) you are not what her assumptions of you have been to this point. And continue to work hard!

I also recommend that you continue to "kill her with kindness" - I don't mean kiss butt, no one likes a butt kiss, especially if they don't approve of you yet - but just smile genuinely when you see her, ask her how her day is going and pause to listen (even if she is just going to say "fine" and walk away), make good eye contact with her, and show her that you are loyal to the business (only you know what that looks like since you work there).

If you feel like you are getting nowhere and have tried to get feedback and have conversations with her with no success, maybe it is time to look for a new job. But look silently and try not to tell your friend until you find one. In this economy it might be hard to find a new job so keep pursuing a future at your current one until something is set in stone.

A personal experience. One time I was working retail and I felt like my manger didn't like me at all. She kind of "picked on me" and got mad at me for really dumb things. One day when it was just the two of us, I stopped what I was doing, turned and looked at her, and said, "Am I doing something wrong? I feel like you get frustrated with me a lot and over little things?" She was a little caught off guard but said she liked me and how I worked and didn't realize she was coming across that way. After that our working relationship was great. Sometimes confrontation (not rude, but honest) is the way to go!

Empathetically,

Jessica

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dear jessica,

I want to lose some weight. I try to be healthy, and exercise often, but I feel as though I often cannot help but eat badly. I feel like I could ask my spouse to help, but do not find it fair to ask them to take responsibility for my eating splurges. Do you have any advice?

Feeling Fat in Frankfurt

*****

dear Feeling Fat,

It's great that you try to be healthy and exercise! You are already a step ahead of most of America.

I think that it's absolutely okay to ask for help and accountability from your husband. You aren't asking him to take responsibility for your eating splurges, you are asking him to support you with a lifestyle change you want to make. And lets face it, this will benefit him as well as you will have more confidence, your longevity should increase, and you will have more energy to do things with him.

While many people can eat healthy and maintain a daily exercise routine on their own, there are also lots of people (like myself) who like to have a buddy to do those things with. It helps to keep you motivated and accountable.

Eating healthy is definitely intentional though. Maybe together you and your husband can find recipes for healthy dinners you like or keep healthier snacks in the house. I am not talking about making salads for dinner and only having carrots in the house to snack on. But there are definitely healthier alternatives to foods that we like to eat. Example: use ground turkey instead of ground beef. Buy baked chips instead of regular... stuff like that.

A few other suggestions. Don't grocery shop when you are hungry. If you buy snack foods get the kind that scome in individual portion sizes. Write down what you eat everyday. DON'T weigh yourself everyday. Drink a big glass of water before meals. Don't deny yourself of things you love, just have them in moderation. Forgive yourself if you feel you made a mistake. Don't consider the rest of the day "ruined" because you "blew it" at breakfast or lunch.

Consider joining something like Weight Watchers. I know many people, including myself, who have used that program and been very successful. They don't tell you that there are certain foods that you can't eat; they help you make better choices and help you with portions. They provide accountability because you weigh in every week, they offer suggestions and recipes and tips at the weekly meetings, and they simply teach you how to make that lifestyle change in a realistic way.

But back to your main question... it's definitely okay to ask your husband for support. He probably would want to know this is something you are struggling with. Tell him how you'd like him to help you (like going for walks together, making healthy dinner menus together, being strong enought to keep driving past DQ when you aren't, etc) and what his help doesn't look like (like saying things like "do you really want to eat that?" or "I thought you were trying to eat better?"). Your spouse will probably be your biggest fan and happy to help you anyway he can!

With Understanding,

Jessica

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READERS: Clearly I was behind on answering questions. Sorry about that... life has been busy. Please feel free to comment and say why you agree or disagree. Also, add comments and suggestions! I obviously don't have all the answers and you just might have something valuable to add! I will still have to "approve comments" so that I can leave comment moderation on, but unless it's a question for me, I will approve all comments in response to these questions!

Oh and please excuse the typos and poor grammar. It's late =)

Cherrio

June 17, 2009

dear jessica,

My best friend has bad breath. All the time. Like something crawled in the back of her throat and died. I'm not joking. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but someone has to tell her. How would you do it?

just wanting to breath in the northern hemisphere

*****

dear wanting to breath,

This is always a very hard situation to be in. I would first try to think about how you would want your best friend to tell you if the situation was reversed.

You asked how I would tell them? Well, what I would do is just be honest and upfront. That is what I would want done for me. Since they are your best friend, they should know that you are telling them because you are genuinely concerned.

Just pull her aside one day and tell her that you've noticed she's had some bad breath lately and thought she'd want to know. Maybe try to figure out what could be causing it... does she eat a lot of garlic? Some people are really susceptible to garlic breath. Does she need to increase the number of times per day she brushes her teeth? Does she see the dentist regularly. And honestly, some people have chronic bad breath and that could be the case too.

Whatever the reason, let her know that since you notice, other people probably do too. Make it fun and maybe ask her if she wants to make a special sign to let her know if she has bad breath and then she knows to pop in some gum or a mint. Be sure to let her know that you are not immune from bad breath either so the special sign works both ways!

I really think that if you approach this honestly, openly, and with good intentions she will be receptive.

Have a minty fresh day!

Jessica

***AGREE??? DISAGREE??? HAVE SOME INPUT??? LEAVE A COMMENT****

June 16, 2009

dear jessica,

So what came first, the chicken or the egg?

Curiously Yours

*****

dear curious,

The chicken. (What came first, Adam -as in Adam and Eve- or a fertilized egg?)

Factually,
Jessica

June 15, 2009

dear jessica,

I'm 22 and my mom and I went to a mother/daughter tea at her church on Saturday. She is so serious and doesn't seem to want to realize that I am carefree and not everything she wants me to be (very religious). I want to be close with her, but I don't know how to get her to accept me how I am. What can I do?

Just a Girl Wanting to Have Fun

*****
dear Wanting to have fun,

First I think it's great that you accompany your mom on things at her church like the mother/daughter tea, even if it's not your thing. I bet it means a lot to your mom and it shows that you really value your relationship with your mom. Keep that up!

I think it might be important to have a conversation sometime with your mom about how you feel. Take her to coffee one day and let her know that while you really love her, want to be close with her, and really value your relationship, you have some differing opinions and want to talk about them. Tell her you want to have open dialogue about what you and her are both feeling. Tell her you don't want to argue, but that you just want to share how you feel and hear how she feels.

Give your mom a chance to share with you her values, her life experiences, and why she thinks her religion is important. And listen. You never know what might come up and if she might be on to something. Then explain to her how you feel and I bet she will be willing to return the favor of listening. If you disagree, tell her why. Or if you aren't ready to make the commitment to her religion, tell her that. Tell her you are willing to listen and have discussions about the things that are important to her and ask that she would try to put herself in your shoes when you want to talk about things that are important to you. Tell her that while you are figuring life out you would appreciate her accepting you for you, regardless of your decisions. Tell her that you appreciate her praying for you, because you want to figure life out just as much as she wants you to figure life out.

Also, try to understand that her persistence and overbearing-ness (is that a word?), most likely stems from a very deep love for you and wanting what is best for you. If you don't have kids yet then you probably can't comprehend the type of love a mother has for her children. Sometimes parents have great intentions but totally miss the mark. It's part of being human.

And most of all, continue to make the efforts to reach out to her and keep your close bond with your mom. I would imagine that the conversations you have and time you share with her are a few of her favorite things in the world!

With good intentions,
Jess

June 13, 2009

dear jessica,

I like to work out and take long runs. It's important to me to stay healthy. My spouse doesn't seem to care about herself. She eats whatever she wants and doesn't find time to exercise. She thinks running after the kids is enough. She's starting to get irritated when I suggest she join me for runs or even walks. I love her and want to spend a long life with her. Any ideas about how to motivate her? Healthy in Houston

*****

Dear Healthy,

This is a very tough situation. A few thoughts come to my mind immediately.

If someone is going to be active, they are more likely to stick with it if they are doing something they love. It is possible that your spouse simply does not enjoy the activities you have suggested (ie: jogging, walking). What does your wife like to do? Play tennis? Bike ride? Swim? Find something she is interested and suggest those types of activities.

Another thought I have is that if her reason for not wanting to go out and jog, walk, or do any other activity with you is because she feels tired from chasing the kids around all day then maybe it's time to find a way to get your wife a little more free time in her day so she isn't so tired. Arrange for a sitter to come so you can take her out, see if there are additional things that you can do to help out - make a healthy dinner a few times a week, get the kids bathed and ready for bed, straighten up the house, laundry, or go grocery shopping. This will free up her time and allow her to focus that extra energy on spending time being active with you.

Be sure that when you talk to her about any activity or working out you want to do with her that you really focus on your concern for it being about longevity and health and NOT her weight or appearence. I think if you focus on your health and how you hope to have a long and full life with her you could talk about it openly with her and it is likely to be received well. You could even suggest that she find some activity she likes to do and go and do it with a girl friend.

What not to do: make this about her appearance (as mentioned before), drop subtle hints (woman pick up on those and it will just make her feel bad), be obsessed (there is a healthy awareness and there is obsessed and obsessed is just annoying).

And if all else fails, make more time for sex... because let's face it, that is another aerobic activity.

Live well, be well,

Jessica

June 10.2, 2009

dear jessica,

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Signed,

Keeping me awake at night in Nebraska

***
Dear sleepless,

A woodchuck would chuck all the wood he could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood.

Sweet dreams,

Jessica

June 10, 2009

dear jessica....

...has not been getting any questions... so there is nothing to answer....

signed....
jessica

June 8, 2009

dear jessica,

What do you feel is the best approach to take when the in- laws are over-stepping boundaries and/or crowding you and your family too much.

Contemplating in California

Dear Contemplating,

The best way to avoid in-laws is to not get married, but since you've clearly done that already, I'll give you plan B.

I think that the best thing you can do is start by having a conversation with your spouse about this. Let him/her know that you feel like his/her family is overstepping their bounds and tell him/her why you feel that way. Ask your spouse to give honest feedback and support their opinion with why they do or do not agree. Also really try to evaluate your in-laws' intentions on their invasion. Is it because they are controlling and need to have their hands in everything or could it be because they really care and want to be a big part of your life. Hopefully you and your spouse can agree on what you feel is reasonable and what is unreasonable in regards to the in-laws (and let's include your parents/family, too, as your spouse might feel they invade some of your space and time as well).

After you've had this conversation, it would be really beneficial to talk to the in-laws (whether that is both of you together or just the spouse whose parents they are) and let them know that while you want them to be part of your life, you need a little more space. Let them know what habits are not appropriate and what things are okay. Identify the boundaries. Be sure to intentionally include them in your life at times so that they know this is not a way for you to phase them out of your life, but just a way for you and your spouse to appropriately "leave and cleave." You don't want to let this go as it will just build and cause more frustration and possibly even tension between you and your spouse.

I realize that sometimes, people can be unreasonable and if this is the case, maybe it's time to relocate so that the in-laws can't just pop over and invade your space.

Without in-laws,
jessica

PS: Some thoughts to consider for my readers:

One thing for young, married couples to consider if you are feeling this same way: it's likely that you are wanting to feel independent and figure everything out on your own but your parents and your spouse's parents have "been there done that" and it's likely that they have valuable advice and thoughts regarding things you are going through. While it is absolutely imperative that you and your spouse become your own family, there is nothing wrong with getting advice and help from older and wiser people, aka: parents.

And parents, step back and evaluate how you might rate as an "in-law" - make sure you know your boundaries. If you aren't sure if you should say something or do something, think about your own in-laws and decide if you would have wanted them to do or say whatever it is your thinking about to you. As hard as I'm sure it is, your "kids" grow up and get married and raise their kids, just like you did. They need to be their own family and learn things for themselves. Hopefully, they remain humble and will come to you for advice when they need it. Be patient. And maybe even have the courage to ask your kids if there is anything you do that oversteps boundaries at times.

June 5, 2009

dear jessica,

i'm not a prude or anything, but it really bothers me when someone says god-d*** or jesus *****. Should I say anything to my friends or just let it play out?

Wincing in Wisconsin

Dear Wincing,

If it is your friends who are saying god-d*** and/or Jesus ***** then I would recommend letting them know, maybe at a time that they have not recently said it, that those two phrases bother you. Ask them if they would mind trying not to say it around you. Let them know that you cast no judgement, but that you just don't really like it. If they are a real friend, they will understand. Be sure to let them know that you appreciate their friendship and that you'd hope if you ever do or say anything that bothers them that they'd feel comfortable to tell you.

If it is not a close friend, I would just let it go. Although you clearly know this person (or people) better than I would and maybe there will be a moment when it's appropriate to address the situation in private - especially if you spend a significant amount of time with this person or people.

There are going to be times in life when people say things that are offensive and unfortunately, we sometimes just have to let things go. The best thing you can do is show love and kindness to those who offend you; and most of the time your love and kindness will be noticed... maybe not right away, but people tend to catch on to those who swear and those who don't and quite often, if someone notices you don't use the same words they do, they cut back on using them when you are around.

Seasoned with salt,

jessica

June 4, 2009

dear jessica,

What is your thought on marrying young (i.e. teens or early 20's) versus marrying older. Do you think there is any difference, does it matter? Pro's/Con's??? Just wondering your thoughts...

signed,
wondering in winnamucka

Dear Wondering,

I think for each couple the answer is different. I know people who have found the love of their lives at a young age and have a very successful marriage, and the same of people who have waited until they are older.

I think there are just a few things to consider, though, should you be contemplating marriage at a young age. The first thing is: Are you emotionally ready to make that type of commitment? Marriage is a life long commitment and some people are not ready to make that sort of commitment until they are older. Those who marry young should realize that there is a good chance they will both change a bit as they get older and are exposed to new situations, events, and circumstances in their life. They have to be willing to love their spouse and be "all in" in the relationship no matter what happens. There is definitely an element of "settling down" when you get married, even if you don't have kids yet. Your spouse becomes your priority over friends, their needs become more important than your own, their problems are also yours as you should be able to provide that emotional support to your spouse.... and some young adults are not ready for that yet. So I think the first thing when considering marriage at a young age is whether or not you're emotionally ready for that kind of commitment and responsibility.

The second thing to consider, that kind of ties into the former, is do you really know who YOU are enough to know what you want in a spouse? Looking back on my own life, I have changed so much since I was 19 and 20 years old. I have experienced so many things, changed some of my opinions and values and have totally different perspectives on certain things. Some of the characteristics of what I wanted in a spouse then is not what I'd want now. This doesn't mean that a couple can't change and grow together, but be mindful that there is the possibility of growing in different directions and value changing (not an excuse for divorce btw). Also, there are lots of things in life that are just easier to experience single: traveling, moving and trying new cities, going to college, etc. It can be done while you are married, but it's a lot easier if you are single.

There are positive things about getting married young, too... you have someone to share the adventure of figuring life out with you, you get to avoid the annoying dating scene that most 20 somethings go through, you don't have to stress about being single forever or that all the good guys are taken, if you have kids young you will be "young" parents and can do activities with your kids for more of their lives because you aren't already "old" (I use that term loosely). And frankly, some people just meet that person and know they are supposed to be together. They know that they don't want to spend another day without them in their lives so if that means getting married young, then get married young.

Obviously the advantages to getting married older would be the opposites of the above points (more emotionally ready and knowing yourself better so that you know what you want in a spouse). Some disadvantages to getting married older are you tend to get more set in your ways, you get pickier, you are more likely to not want to move from your community to be with someone b/c of a job you might have, you are more likely to end up with someone who has either been married or in a very serious relationship before (not that it's bad... don't get me wrong. You just aren't likely to find someone who has no baggage at all), and women... let's face it... our biological clock's are ticking.

So back to my first thought: it depends on each couple... some marry young and it works and others marry young and it doesn't work. Some marry older and it works, and others marry older and it doesn't. The important thing is to take the decision very seriously.

With careful consideration,
jessica

June 1, 2009

dear jessica,

What are your thoughts on divorce... do you think people give up too easily these days? Are there Biblical grounds for divorce other than marital unfaithfulness? What about spousal abuse?

Signed, Pondering in Pennsylvania

Dear Pondering,

I definitely think there are some people who give up on their marriage too easily these days. I think the problem lies with people thinking from the beginning that divorce is an option if they fall out of love. A marriage commitment is one to take seriously and one of the most important decisions of one's life. It goes without saying that you are going to have hard times, differences of opinions, and things to work through. Also, people change... maybe not in big ways, but things happen in the course of your life that causes you to grow, change, think differently, etc and you have to go in to marriage knowing that people are not going to be exactly the same as they were on your wedding day. You just have to find a way to grow together, listen, and communicate... and the biggest thing... always put your spouse before yourself. If you are putting their needs before your own (and they are doing the same) you should be able to work through anything. And another thing... no close friends of the opposite sex... mutual friends, yes. But seriously people, you can't have close friends of the opposite sex...

Besides marital unfaithfulness, I also believe a Biblical grounds for divorce is if your unbelieving spouse leaves you. And in regards to abuse... this is my own opinion and I don't have a verse to substantiate this, but I think if you are being abused (physically, sexually, emotionally, mentally) then you can leave. At that point it's dangerous to be in the situation and especially if you have kids involved... no good.

with perseverance,
jessica

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dear jessica,

What is a good way to approach confronting a family member? Especially when you'll see that family member(s) often...

Confused by confrontation in Connecticut

Dear Confused,

First, really evaluate your motive for wanting to confront the person. Then, I honestly think a mature, adult conversation is the best way to handle this. Call them up (or if you are comfortable emailing... no texing) and ask them if you can meet for coffee, dinner, a walk, etc. And as hard as confrontation is sometimes, you gotta just bite the bullet and address the elephant in the room. Once you get together, bring up what is on your mind... be nice about it... if your motive is genuinely pure, your concern for them or the situation should show through. If it is something that the family member will need help with, offer to help or be willing to find help if you can't be that person. And be willing to listen to feedback... maybe you have a part in this and you have something to work on to. Be humble. If this is an issue you have to agree to disagree on, then be willing to set aside your differences when you are at family functions and avoid that issue. If the issue comes up, be the bigger person and bite your tongue or excuse yourself and leave the room. Life is too short to live at odds with family. You may not always agree with them, but they are still family and it's important to always support the person, even if you don't support their decisions. Sometimes there is nothing you can do about a family member who refuses to be civil and in those situations, once you've done all you can, just be nice and enjoy the company of everyone else.
Hope this answers your question...

peacefully yours,
jessica

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dear jessica,

What should I do about being friends with someone who I really like, but they want more out of the friendship than I do? I'm content with an occasional phone call and email, but every time we talk, she wants to meet for a meal or movie or some such thing. I should mention we are both girls, so it's not like a guy/girl problem.

signed, 30%

Dear 30%,

This is a tough situation to be in... I've been there. I think you can let this person know that while you really enjoy the friendship, you don't have as much time as she does to go out. Give her a realistic idea of how much time during the week or month you can actually spend outside the duties of your work, family, and household. Let her know that you still want to keep in touch by phone and email because while you may not have a few hours in your day to spend with her, there are times where you are busy doing something but can still chat on the phone (like cooking dinner, etc)... I think if you really like this person it's important to make time for the occasional meal or movie. Or maybe, you can invite her along to chat while you're waiting for your kids at soccer practice. Or let her know that you have a few errands to run, but she can ride along so you can "catch up." If you aren't honest with her, though, you will become frustrated each time she contacts you and that is just no good for anyone.

Been there,

jessica