August 16, 2009

dear jessica,

I have a roommate. She is 26 years old (so six years older than me). We met at our previous jobs and became really good friends. I had another roommate that was moving out and so we decided that it would be fun for her to move in. She is a really great person, lots of fun to be with, but we share different beliefs. She is not a Christian. We have lived together for over a year now and while sometimes I absolutely love it, lately it's been horrible. You see she plays an online computer game called World of Warcraft (WOW). She originally played it when she moved in and then quit after a while due to lack of interest. We practically did everything together and we always have fun. But this last June I went on a 10-day trip. When I came back she had started to play the game again-only this time she started from scratch. Needless to say she is highly addicted to it and sometimes never comes out except to go to the bathroom and grab food. She gets crabby when I talk to her because she is either tired from staying up late playing the game or she is in the middle of playing the game and has to get back to it. I really struggle with it because of how much we used to hang out and now I feel thrown to the wayside. She also tends to neglect house chores or just simply does not care to do them....because she is so caught up in the game (as I see it). I get so upset sometimes at living with someone who just ignores me so much, but then I feel guilty because I feel selfish. I know she has a very different worldview than I and I try to have patience with her but sometimes I get so hurt. I guess I come from the perspective of doing things for other people because I care about them and that I try to respect the other person as much as possible. I am afraid I going to start getting bitter (I have started calling her selfish and lazy in my head) and not be able to heal from being hurt. I have tried to talk to her several times about how much this is bad for and how much I miss hanging out with her and how she needs to do her part in the apartment. Sometimes the discussion ends with me feeling guilty because she says it's her life and that I am being too co-dependant. Sometimes she breaks down crying and starts hugging me saying she knows she is treating me horribly and that she wants to change. She says these things and sometimes I see things that indicates she wants to change, but then it seems like a week later it doesn't really matter. Our most recent fight/ discussion/ cry fest was this last weekend. I decided, though, during the fight portion that I wanted to move out. That I could not handle living like this. I had even told a couple of my friends that I was ready to move out. Then we had a heart to heart and a cry fest. Well now I am just so afraid that things are going to go back to the way they were before. I want to be selfless and be there for her and continue to be her friend. Yet at the same time I want to protect myself and not feel hurt. I wish I could have it both ways but I just don't see how. I think that if I moved out I would feel like I was abandoning her and that I would be a bad example of Christ or that it's just selfish of me to move out. On the other hand I think that I deserve to live with someone who cares more about me than a stupid computer game. I just have no idea how to feel or what to do! I am sooo confused. If you have any advice for me I would really really appreciate it.

Signed, Replaced by a Computer Game.

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Dear Replaced,

My initial thoughts are this (and I will expand in the following paragraphs): Your being frustrated and having the desire to want to move out isn't being selfish or unChrist-like so try not to feel too guilty. You just have certain expectations about what you want in a roommate. You are young and should be able to have a roommate who wants to hang out with you occasionally and who is mutually involved in taking care of the apartment and if that expectation is not being met, you have no obligation to stay (besides an possible obligation to fulfill a lease?).

I can totally see your frustration in the situation... I would be as equally irritated. I honestly don't think you are being selfish at all. I think that, especially when you are young and unmarried, part of having a roommate is having someone to hang out with and have fun with. Obviously it doesn't have to be 100% of the time, but it's reasonable to want a roommate who you are also friends with and hang out with occasionally (or hang out with fairly often in some cases). When their interests are becoming totally different than your own, then they are no longer meeting the expectations you had of that relationship when you initially chose them as a roommate.

The first thing I would suggest you do is figure out if you want to make a few more attempts at making this roommate relationship work or if you feel like you've already made those attempts and you are ready to take the next step. If you do want to attempt to make it work, I would recommend that you suggest things to do with your roommate so she has an option of something to do besides WOW (I am assuming you already do this). Suggest places to go, making dinner, renting a movie, etc. It will become pretty clear if she is just unwilling to do anything besides WOW.

If you decided you want to find a new living situation then there is nothing wrong with that. And frankly, you might be happier. If you want, before you look for a new living situation, you could maybe sit down with current roommate and have a [final] heart-to-heart and say "look, I am not opposed to you playing WOW. That is your decision and if that is how you want to choose to spend your free time that is fine. I, however, prefer more engaging and interactive friendships and hobbies. If this hobby is something you are going to be spending most of your free time on for a while then I would like to find a new roommate and/or a new place to live. This doesn't mean we can't be friends; I certainly want to hang out still, but I really want a roommate who has similar interests as me and who is more engaged in the roommate relationship and upkeep of the apartment."

She might say she will "change" - and if you are willing (decide this before you have this convo) then give her a chance (maybe a few weeks or month). Be sure to tell her you are not trying to change her and if she wants to play WOW then that is fine, but you are just not willing to live with someone who plays it as much as she does. If she feels like you are trying to change her (even though you aren't), she might start to resent you, which is obviously not something you want so that is why it's good to emphasize that if she wants to keep playing that is okay, but things will just have to change.

And don't feel selfish for being frustrated. Its hard to suddenly be ignored and to be put to the side, especially when you are being replaced by something like a video game. And again, you deserve to be in a living situation that you like and enjoy... you are young; having fun and living with roommates who have similar interests is kind of what life is about when you are 20!!!

Empathetically,

Jessica

August 11, 2009

Dear Jessica,

My husband is really great. Lately, since I've gone back to work, he insists on doing the dinner dishes. That's sweet, except he doesn't do such a great job! After he washes the pans, he lets them air dry. Then, I REWASH them after he's out of the kitchen because they usually have crud left along the edges or on the outside, and sometimes even on the inside. I don't want to discourage him from helping, but I also hate to see him waste his time when I have to redo them anyway! Any suggestions?

Happy Wife

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Dear Happy Wife,

It's great to hear you and your hubby have such a loving relationship. Sounds like you really look out for each other!

Besides the enjoyment of knowing you have clean dishes, do you "enjoy" washing dishes (I, for one, do)? Maybe you could let your husband know that you actually really enjoy washing them and ask if he would mind letting you do the dishes? Tell him that you really appreciate his willingness to help but more than doing the dishes, it would really help you out if he could do this: ______ (fill in the blank) for you instead.

Or if you are comfortable with just telling him what you are thinking and you know he won't take it wrong, let him know what you've noticed about the dishes not being fully clean and see if you can give him a lesson. Make it fun. Teach him how to do the dishes in your underwear (okay that might cause him to not pay attention very much)... for real though, looking for a prime opportunity to teach him might be the best way! And of course, always use the sandwich approach (before and after the "correction" give him lots and lots of compliments, hugs and kisses). =)

Or if you prefer the more subtle approaches... Serve him dinner on an obviously NOT clean plate from the night before. Maybe he will notice it's not clean and it will hit him that he was the one who washed (didn't wash) the plate? Or next time you are at Target, you could pick up a few new dish washing supplies (scrubbies, sponges, etc) and have him pick out one he likes? Maybe that will make him excited about it and pay more attention?

Those are just a few ideas I have.

If any of these ideas work (or some other idea you run across works) let us know! I am sure there are many wives out there with helpful husbands who, with their most thoughtful efforts, are actually causing more work. hehe

Good luck!

Jessica

August 6, 2009

dear jessica,

Do you think there is a difference between a white lie and other lieing? Is it ever okay to lie?

Honest Abe in Illinois

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Dear Honest Abe,

First off, sorry it has taken me so long to answer your question.

As far as the different between a white lie and other types of lie goes, I do think there is a difference. I think that "white lie" is commonly used in situations where one would tell a lie to spare someone's feelings ("I like your new haircut"), as an easy way to get yourself out of trouble ("I thought the speed limit was 55 not 45"), etc. They usually don't "harm" others but save you from hurting someone or getting into trouble. (There are other ways to describe it and I am sure there is an official way.)

I am assuming that by "other types of lying" you mean more blatant, intentional and outright harmful lies? Like making stuff up, covering up something that needs to be said, denying or not taking credit for something you did wrong, etc. ("I did not have sexual relations with that woman").

So is there a difference? Yes. I think that even honest people will tell a white lie once in a while to spare feelings. But I think "liars" will come up with lies frequently and often times lie their way into a corner.

Do I think white lies are okay? Well, I think you should avoid lying when possible, but at the same time, I think there are times when most people would tell a white lie to spare feelings. I think it's good, too, when someone wants to know your honest opinion that you give it. Especially with close friends and family. If they are asking you, they trust you and they deserve to hear the truth ("You know, that isn't the most flattering haircut... maybe you can try styling it this way..."). But also don't be a jerk about it. If someone asks if their skirt makes them look fat, don't be like "oh yeah for sure; I was hoping you'd ask."

I was discussing this with my extended family and they said that even in the Bible, sometimes God wanted people to lie in order to protect the Truth. For example, when someone was protecting God's people and the "officers" came to the door, she told them that God's people were not there. It was a small lie, but it also spared the life of the 2 men hiding in her house.

I am not sure if I have even answered your question in the way you wanted. I hope others chime in and offer their "two cents" so that YOU can get a more thorough answer. If I think of anything else, I will add it in the comments!

Good luck and stay honest!

Jessica