January 24, 2010

Dear Jessica,

I moved away this fall to go to college in another state. I'm loving it and making lots of cool friends. Here's the problem. . . one of my really good friends from my home town has been annoying me on Facebook lately. There have been a few things that have irked me, but the kicker is when he started "friending" some of my college friends that he's never even met and then leaving comments on their page asking how I've been and what I'm up to! (why my college friends agreed to be friends is a whole other question!) Me and him are really good friends and until this, I was actually kind of interested in him, but now I just feel like he's smothering me. I don't have anything to hide, but I feel like if I tell him that I don't want him being facebook friends with my new friends, he'll think I do. Breaking off the friendship isn't an option (our parents are really good friends and I will definitely see him whenever I go home for breaks) and I wouldn't do it even if it was. He's a really good friend, but he just doesn't seem to know what's cool and not cool when it comes to Facebook.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who's had to deal with this, but I don't know how to handle it. Am I crazy for finding this intrusive?

from, the Frustrated Facebook Friend

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Dear Frustrated FB Friend,

First off, congrats on your first year of college and good luck in your studies! College life is super fun and I hope you enjoy it immensely (don't party too much!!)

You are in a very tough spot here. You are experiencing something new and exciting, while your friend has remained “home” and probably living a very similar life that he has always lived. he could possibly be a bit jealous that you are off doing new things and he is not, hence the FB stalking to see what you are up to. I have a few thoughts about this situation; both regarding the friendship and distance and the facebook situation.

First, try and understand that he is possibly a bit jealous that you are off doing new things and he is not. When you are good friends with someone, it is always hard when your friend “moves on” and you do not (whether it is by choice or circumstance). It’s only natural that he wants to know how you are doing and what you are up to. If this friendship is worth keeping, which is sounds like it is based on your past and through the connection of your families being close friends (and the fact that you have been kind of interested in him hehe), try and be sensitive to the fact that he cares about you and wants to remain connected, despite the temporary distance.

On the other hand, he needs to understand that you are busy with classes, homework, new friends, and other college life stuff and naturally, you don’t have the same amount of time for him as you did before you went off to college. It might make you both feel better if you try and set up weekly or bi-weekly “dates” to chat on the phone or use Facebook’s instant message to “catch up.” (And once in a while, surprise him with an unexpected phone call or FB wall post/message. This will let him know that you are thinking about him and it will probably mean a lot to him!) Let him know that you really value his friendship and want to keep in touch, but you are busy and don’t have time every day (or every week) to respond to all of his FB posts or messages to you etc.

One time, when I made a move (I moved out of state from CA to MN), I had to tell give one of my friends a breakdown of my schedule so that she could understand why I didn’t always have time to talk or respond to emails. This really helped her understand why I wasn't able to chat all the time and it made a big difference in our friendship because I helped her have realistic expectations about how much I was able to talk.

And as a side bar, and maybe something you want to pass on to him, sometimes, when you tell someone you are busy and can’t chat, it’s because you are sitting on your butt recovering from the school week, homework, or life in general, and just want some time to vege out, which is totally legit! Or bring up that just because someone sees you updated your status on facebook recently doesn't mean that you have time to respond your inbox messages, wall posts, or status comments; let's face it, we make a point to update our statuses as we are on our way out the door to our next class, before we make dinner, or before we take a nap etc.

As far as your friend adding your college friends and then asking how you are doing goes... that is not cool, kind of rude, and frankly, kind of creepy-stalker like. My suggestion would be to either ask him to stop (which would be the "to the point" route) or honestly, try not to let it bother you. If your friends have a problem with him adding them they should just invoke their right to ignore his friend request. Some people, on the other hand, add everyone that requests a 'friend add' (and like you, I don't know why people do this... I don't like having to many "friends" and I even go through and delete people I don't talk to often!) So I guess there is probably not much you can do about him added your friends unless you confront him. Which sucks, I know.

Finally, one last suggestion would be to invite him to take a road trip to come and see you with a few of your other, mutual friends who are still in your home town. Could be fun! And he'd get to see how busy you are!

Good luck with this situation! I know, first hand, how challenging it is to move and have friends left behind at home that think things will remain the same. The fact of the matter is that people move, do different things, and your paths fork out from each other. And while you can remain friends, and even close friends, it's totally normal for the amount of time you are in touch or see each other to change.

I'm always a big fan of confronting the situation, so if the subtle or deliberate attempts to foster communication in a way that can meet expectations for both of you doesn't work, then maybe you just need to tell him what you've told me!

Empathetically,
Jessica

November 18, 2009

dear jessica,

A friend brought me an audiobook to listen to while I'm in physical therapy, and she's eager to know what I think of it because a friend of hers wrote it. I listened to the first chapter today, and it's poorly written and cheesy. Now what do I do? I don't want to listen to the rest, but I also don't want to hurt her feelings and tell her the truth. What can I do to smooth this over?Signed,

Signed,
I'd Rather Snooze

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Dear "Rather Snooze,"

That is a tough situation. My first thought is, did your friend read the book? Maybe they don't know how cheesy the book is? Or maybe the friend isn't as well read as you are so she may not recognize a high quality book if it hit her between the eyes? I guess answering those questions really doesn't get you anywhere. haha - okay...

I guess what I would do is say that you tried listening to it but it's not the style of book you normally listen to/read (in other words, you prefer the non-cheesy style) so you are having a hard time getting into it. Then ask her if she'd mind having another friend check out the book; a friend who is into that style of book. Or recommend a friend of yours you can pass it on to (if you know anyone who is into the cheesy book thing).

Or, maybe you could ask her if she *really* wants the truth and if so, give it to her. I mean, hey, she's asking. And if her friend wants to be an author, she would hopefully appreciate the feedback.

The final option you have is to just plow through and "listen" to the book. Maybe you could listen to it at a time other than while you are in PT and listen with a friend. That way you can make fun of it together! And then when the friend who recommended the book asks you what you thought, you could say you were entertained - she/he doesn't have to know that you were entertained because you made fun of it the whole time!

Good luck. Let me know what you decide!

jessica

September 15, 2009

dear jessica,

One of our cars recently broke down, and my dad, trying to do the helpful thing, fixed it for us, then let us know about how much it would be. He didn't ask before fixing it, but just did it...I was a little annoyed... especially when the car broke down again the next day... but thankfully he didn't make us pay for it.

Then, my husband's dad, similarly trying to be nice, just had his mechanic friend from church look at it. We went over to his parents house tonight and the car was gone. "It's at the shop" we were told. My husband called the mechanic to let him know that we would like to talk about the cost before actually having him fix it, as we don't really have the money and have another car that he can use. But the job was already done, commissioned without our say-so. Oh, "it'll be about 850 dollars with parts and labor."

I am so upset right now. I realize that people are trying to be helpful, but this is the most unhelpful thing possible. I don't have a job currently, and we are hardly going to be able to scrape by as it is. Now, we're slapped with a huge bill that is equal to the VALUE of the car.

Is there anything I can do or say to these people? Or is it just a lost cause? I guess I'm frustrated for several reasons, most of which I'm sure are obvious, but mostly just because no one is treating us like adults and letting us decide when to fix our car -- since it IS our finances others are dealing with.

Any thoughts or advice?

Sign, Frustrated.

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Dear Frustrated,

First, let me say I totally feel so badly for you! I would be so frustrated too!

I think that you and your husband need to sit down with his father and lay it all out there. Let him know that you really appreciate the help and referral to his mechanic friend, but are unsure as to why he thought he could approve any work done on the vehicle. Let him know you are in a very tough financial spot and that you never would have approved $850 worth of work. Hopefully at this point you can have a discussion about payment options and maybe your father-in-law can either loan you the money or help you out.

If he says he didn't authorize any of the work done on the car then together with your father-in-law you need to go to the mechanic and let him know that the work done was not authorized. I am not sure about any laws or anything but I AM sure that they can't just do whatever they want to your car without permission first.

I honestly think the only way to handle this situation is to have some very frank conversations with the people involved. No one should have spent your money without your permission, especially on a car that might just have gotten rid of, had you known the cost to repair it would be more than the car is worth!

Sincerely,

jessica

August 16, 2009

dear jessica,

I have a roommate. She is 26 years old (so six years older than me). We met at our previous jobs and became really good friends. I had another roommate that was moving out and so we decided that it would be fun for her to move in. She is a really great person, lots of fun to be with, but we share different beliefs. She is not a Christian. We have lived together for over a year now and while sometimes I absolutely love it, lately it's been horrible. You see she plays an online computer game called World of Warcraft (WOW). She originally played it when she moved in and then quit after a while due to lack of interest. We practically did everything together and we always have fun. But this last June I went on a 10-day trip. When I came back she had started to play the game again-only this time she started from scratch. Needless to say she is highly addicted to it and sometimes never comes out except to go to the bathroom and grab food. She gets crabby when I talk to her because she is either tired from staying up late playing the game or she is in the middle of playing the game and has to get back to it. I really struggle with it because of how much we used to hang out and now I feel thrown to the wayside. She also tends to neglect house chores or just simply does not care to do them....because she is so caught up in the game (as I see it). I get so upset sometimes at living with someone who just ignores me so much, but then I feel guilty because I feel selfish. I know she has a very different worldview than I and I try to have patience with her but sometimes I get so hurt. I guess I come from the perspective of doing things for other people because I care about them and that I try to respect the other person as much as possible. I am afraid I going to start getting bitter (I have started calling her selfish and lazy in my head) and not be able to heal from being hurt. I have tried to talk to her several times about how much this is bad for and how much I miss hanging out with her and how she needs to do her part in the apartment. Sometimes the discussion ends with me feeling guilty because she says it's her life and that I am being too co-dependant. Sometimes she breaks down crying and starts hugging me saying she knows she is treating me horribly and that she wants to change. She says these things and sometimes I see things that indicates she wants to change, but then it seems like a week later it doesn't really matter. Our most recent fight/ discussion/ cry fest was this last weekend. I decided, though, during the fight portion that I wanted to move out. That I could not handle living like this. I had even told a couple of my friends that I was ready to move out. Then we had a heart to heart and a cry fest. Well now I am just so afraid that things are going to go back to the way they were before. I want to be selfless and be there for her and continue to be her friend. Yet at the same time I want to protect myself and not feel hurt. I wish I could have it both ways but I just don't see how. I think that if I moved out I would feel like I was abandoning her and that I would be a bad example of Christ or that it's just selfish of me to move out. On the other hand I think that I deserve to live with someone who cares more about me than a stupid computer game. I just have no idea how to feel or what to do! I am sooo confused. If you have any advice for me I would really really appreciate it.

Signed, Replaced by a Computer Game.

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Dear Replaced,

My initial thoughts are this (and I will expand in the following paragraphs): Your being frustrated and having the desire to want to move out isn't being selfish or unChrist-like so try not to feel too guilty. You just have certain expectations about what you want in a roommate. You are young and should be able to have a roommate who wants to hang out with you occasionally and who is mutually involved in taking care of the apartment and if that expectation is not being met, you have no obligation to stay (besides an possible obligation to fulfill a lease?).

I can totally see your frustration in the situation... I would be as equally irritated. I honestly don't think you are being selfish at all. I think that, especially when you are young and unmarried, part of having a roommate is having someone to hang out with and have fun with. Obviously it doesn't have to be 100% of the time, but it's reasonable to want a roommate who you are also friends with and hang out with occasionally (or hang out with fairly often in some cases). When their interests are becoming totally different than your own, then they are no longer meeting the expectations you had of that relationship when you initially chose them as a roommate.

The first thing I would suggest you do is figure out if you want to make a few more attempts at making this roommate relationship work or if you feel like you've already made those attempts and you are ready to take the next step. If you do want to attempt to make it work, I would recommend that you suggest things to do with your roommate so she has an option of something to do besides WOW (I am assuming you already do this). Suggest places to go, making dinner, renting a movie, etc. It will become pretty clear if she is just unwilling to do anything besides WOW.

If you decided you want to find a new living situation then there is nothing wrong with that. And frankly, you might be happier. If you want, before you look for a new living situation, you could maybe sit down with current roommate and have a [final] heart-to-heart and say "look, I am not opposed to you playing WOW. That is your decision and if that is how you want to choose to spend your free time that is fine. I, however, prefer more engaging and interactive friendships and hobbies. If this hobby is something you are going to be spending most of your free time on for a while then I would like to find a new roommate and/or a new place to live. This doesn't mean we can't be friends; I certainly want to hang out still, but I really want a roommate who has similar interests as me and who is more engaged in the roommate relationship and upkeep of the apartment."

She might say she will "change" - and if you are willing (decide this before you have this convo) then give her a chance (maybe a few weeks or month). Be sure to tell her you are not trying to change her and if she wants to play WOW then that is fine, but you are just not willing to live with someone who plays it as much as she does. If she feels like you are trying to change her (even though you aren't), she might start to resent you, which is obviously not something you want so that is why it's good to emphasize that if she wants to keep playing that is okay, but things will just have to change.

And don't feel selfish for being frustrated. Its hard to suddenly be ignored and to be put to the side, especially when you are being replaced by something like a video game. And again, you deserve to be in a living situation that you like and enjoy... you are young; having fun and living with roommates who have similar interests is kind of what life is about when you are 20!!!

Empathetically,

Jessica

August 11, 2009

Dear Jessica,

My husband is really great. Lately, since I've gone back to work, he insists on doing the dinner dishes. That's sweet, except he doesn't do such a great job! After he washes the pans, he lets them air dry. Then, I REWASH them after he's out of the kitchen because they usually have crud left along the edges or on the outside, and sometimes even on the inside. I don't want to discourage him from helping, but I also hate to see him waste his time when I have to redo them anyway! Any suggestions?

Happy Wife

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Dear Happy Wife,

It's great to hear you and your hubby have such a loving relationship. Sounds like you really look out for each other!

Besides the enjoyment of knowing you have clean dishes, do you "enjoy" washing dishes (I, for one, do)? Maybe you could let your husband know that you actually really enjoy washing them and ask if he would mind letting you do the dishes? Tell him that you really appreciate his willingness to help but more than doing the dishes, it would really help you out if he could do this: ______ (fill in the blank) for you instead.

Or if you are comfortable with just telling him what you are thinking and you know he won't take it wrong, let him know what you've noticed about the dishes not being fully clean and see if you can give him a lesson. Make it fun. Teach him how to do the dishes in your underwear (okay that might cause him to not pay attention very much)... for real though, looking for a prime opportunity to teach him might be the best way! And of course, always use the sandwich approach (before and after the "correction" give him lots and lots of compliments, hugs and kisses). =)

Or if you prefer the more subtle approaches... Serve him dinner on an obviously NOT clean plate from the night before. Maybe he will notice it's not clean and it will hit him that he was the one who washed (didn't wash) the plate? Or next time you are at Target, you could pick up a few new dish washing supplies (scrubbies, sponges, etc) and have him pick out one he likes? Maybe that will make him excited about it and pay more attention?

Those are just a few ideas I have.

If any of these ideas work (or some other idea you run across works) let us know! I am sure there are many wives out there with helpful husbands who, with their most thoughtful efforts, are actually causing more work. hehe

Good luck!

Jessica

August 6, 2009

dear jessica,

Do you think there is a difference between a white lie and other lieing? Is it ever okay to lie?

Honest Abe in Illinois

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Dear Honest Abe,

First off, sorry it has taken me so long to answer your question.

As far as the different between a white lie and other types of lie goes, I do think there is a difference. I think that "white lie" is commonly used in situations where one would tell a lie to spare someone's feelings ("I like your new haircut"), as an easy way to get yourself out of trouble ("I thought the speed limit was 55 not 45"), etc. They usually don't "harm" others but save you from hurting someone or getting into trouble. (There are other ways to describe it and I am sure there is an official way.)

I am assuming that by "other types of lying" you mean more blatant, intentional and outright harmful lies? Like making stuff up, covering up something that needs to be said, denying or not taking credit for something you did wrong, etc. ("I did not have sexual relations with that woman").

So is there a difference? Yes. I think that even honest people will tell a white lie once in a while to spare feelings. But I think "liars" will come up with lies frequently and often times lie their way into a corner.

Do I think white lies are okay? Well, I think you should avoid lying when possible, but at the same time, I think there are times when most people would tell a white lie to spare feelings. I think it's good, too, when someone wants to know your honest opinion that you give it. Especially with close friends and family. If they are asking you, they trust you and they deserve to hear the truth ("You know, that isn't the most flattering haircut... maybe you can try styling it this way..."). But also don't be a jerk about it. If someone asks if their skirt makes them look fat, don't be like "oh yeah for sure; I was hoping you'd ask."

I was discussing this with my extended family and they said that even in the Bible, sometimes God wanted people to lie in order to protect the Truth. For example, when someone was protecting God's people and the "officers" came to the door, she told them that God's people were not there. It was a small lie, but it also spared the life of the 2 men hiding in her house.

I am not sure if I have even answered your question in the way you wanted. I hope others chime in and offer their "two cents" so that YOU can get a more thorough answer. If I think of anything else, I will add it in the comments!

Good luck and stay honest!

Jessica

July 18, 2009

dear jessica,

I'm 15. Last weekend, me and three of girlfriends snuck out of my house at a sleepover at 1 am. A cop saw us in a park and brought us home because it was past curfew. We weren't doing anything wrong. Now, my mom plans to tell all my friends moms, even though nothing happened bad. I don't see why. One of my friends already has a lot of trouble in her family, and she doesn't need more! Why would my mom want to add to the drama? She is so lame. How can I convince her to drop it?

Signed, Can't wait until I'm 18.

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Dear Can't wait to be 18,

In life, when we make decisions there are consequences. There is nothing good that can happen at a park at 1:00 am for four 15 year old girls. And if you and your three friends hadn't made the decision to sneak out of the house at such a late hour of the night, then you would not be facing the consequences you are now dealing with; and neither would your friends.

As hard as it might be to understand right now, the reason your mom is going to tell your friends' parents is because she is concerned about you, your friends and your lack of judgment. And your friends' parents have a right to know what their kids are doing and the types of decisions they are making. If I was the parent of one of your friends and my daughter snuck out and then got returned home by a cop at 1:00 am, I would be very upset if your mother didn't tell me.

Having said that, what kind of drama is your friend currently facing in her home? Is she making poor decisions and constantly facing consequences (and now this park situation is just another situation)? Or is there something more serious going on that is putting your friend in danger and/or in an abusive situation. If it's the latter, then you need to talk to a trusted adult about your friend's safety. If the drama is because of your friend's poor decisions then your friend is experiencing the consequences of making bad decisions.

Or is there a lot of drama that has nothing to do with her (ie: parents divorcing, sibling in lots of trouble, family facing financial problems, etc)? If that is the case, maybe you need to sit down with your friend and a school counselor, church leader, or another adult you trust and help your friend figure out how she can contribute to her family in a positive way, rather than contributing to the problems that her parents are already having to deal with.

Clearly you desire to be considered an adult (you signed yourself "can't wait to be 18") - this is your opportunity to act like an adult. You made an adult decision and now it's time to handle the consequences like an adult. And whatever the case may be with your friend, I recommend you talk to your mom about your concerns regarding your friend- with a good attitude and open mind to whatever feedback your mom has. As hard as it is to accept at your age (I've been where you are), parents really do have a better idea of what is best for you than you do. They were 15 once, too. And I'd be willing to bet your mom has made similar decisions as you did. I'm a big fan of heart to heart talks.

And I'd encourage you to think through all your decisions and consider the possible consequences in the future (whether its a decision to sneak out, go to college, get a job, have sex, drink alcohol etc). If there are consequences you are unwilling to accept then maybe you need to re-think your decision.

(And if you know me personally, I'd be willing to talk more about this in depth, but I honestly have no idea who you are... or feel free to email me at the email address in the column to your right).

Wanting the best for you,

jessica