February 25, 2010

Dear Jessica,

I'm going to get straight to the point. I am in college and married, and while I don't mind being friends with guys ... there are always those few that just take it too far.My lab partner is one of those guys. He started out just being friendly but after a while, he started getting on my nerves, and just a little too flirty.

The first red flag was when I came in one day and he said, "You look cute today." I was flattered, but a little uncomfortable, but when I talked to my husband about it, he agreed the guy could have just been being nice and it didn't necessarily mean anything.

But it didn't stop there.

The guy started walking me to my next class, and would act annoyed if I would try to wait to walk with someone else also. He did not have the same class, but would take that route and "drop me off" on the way to his... Then one time, he gave me a quick hug in front of a bunch of other people, saying, "we're cool like that."

The list goes on ... today, it finally came a little to head when he was giving a commentary on everything I was doing and I told him he was annoying me. But then I tried to be nice ... I mean, we do have to work together. But then he said something like, "Here, hold my hand, let's make up and be friends." I said, "Sorry, I don't hold hands with other boys."He later called me to invite me to something at his house(!) but I declined ... so he said he'd "tell me all about it" Monday in class.

I don't know what to do. I've told my husband everything, and know I'm NOT flirting back, and I also bring up my husband very often, so I don't feel guilty at all. But the situation is very uncomfortable. The thing is, we have assigned seating and assigned lab partners, so short of making a scene and asking the teacher to let me change seats, my options are limited. Also, I don't know if I can say anything, because I don't want him to blow it off like I just think too much of myself and that he's not interested, and then have it be even MORE awkward. (Plus, even if I spoke to him quietly about it, he's one of those guys who may bring it up loudly so the surrounding two tables can hear his side.)HELP?!?!!?

Signed,

Frustrated with Flirty-Boy

*********

Dear Frustrated,

First, your frustration is totally legitimate! That boy is being totally inappropriate, especially after your many attempts to keep your relationship with this guy strictly school-related. I will tell you the two things I would do in this situation.

The first thing I would do is be totally blunt (maybe on a "walk to your next class"). I would say, "Look. I appreciate working with you in class but I am married and I do not wish to have a friendship with you beyond our class assignments. It might seem crazy, but it's out of respect for my husband. Secondly, I do not wish to casually hug or hold hands with any guy except my husband. Can you respect these boundaries?" This way, you are not saying that you think he is interested in you; you are simply setting respectable boundaries that a married woman should have regarding male friends.

If that didn't work, I would talk to the professor and see if I could switch partners. I know that could be a little awkward, but sometimes professors can help you out and try to be kind of discreet about it (like maybe switch a few partnerships around?).

Oh I just thought of a third option.... see if you can bring your husband to class sometime. Have him give a few looks to that kid and that could solve the problem. :) hehe

I guess what this comes down to is that you will likely have to face an awkward situation in order to nip this in the bud because clearly this guy can't take a hint. I wish I had better advice for you. I hope that some of my huge reader base (sarcasm) chimes in and offers some advice, too! Maybe there is someone out there who has been in a similar situation.

Sincerely,
Jessica

September 15, 2009

dear jessica,

One of our cars recently broke down, and my dad, trying to do the helpful thing, fixed it for us, then let us know about how much it would be. He didn't ask before fixing it, but just did it...I was a little annoyed... especially when the car broke down again the next day... but thankfully he didn't make us pay for it.

Then, my husband's dad, similarly trying to be nice, just had his mechanic friend from church look at it. We went over to his parents house tonight and the car was gone. "It's at the shop" we were told. My husband called the mechanic to let him know that we would like to talk about the cost before actually having him fix it, as we don't really have the money and have another car that he can use. But the job was already done, commissioned without our say-so. Oh, "it'll be about 850 dollars with parts and labor."

I am so upset right now. I realize that people are trying to be helpful, but this is the most unhelpful thing possible. I don't have a job currently, and we are hardly going to be able to scrape by as it is. Now, we're slapped with a huge bill that is equal to the VALUE of the car.

Is there anything I can do or say to these people? Or is it just a lost cause? I guess I'm frustrated for several reasons, most of which I'm sure are obvious, but mostly just because no one is treating us like adults and letting us decide when to fix our car -- since it IS our finances others are dealing with.

Any thoughts or advice?

Sign, Frustrated.

*****

Dear Frustrated,

First, let me say I totally feel so badly for you! I would be so frustrated too!

I think that you and your husband need to sit down with his father and lay it all out there. Let him know that you really appreciate the help and referral to his mechanic friend, but are unsure as to why he thought he could approve any work done on the vehicle. Let him know you are in a very tough financial spot and that you never would have approved $850 worth of work. Hopefully at this point you can have a discussion about payment options and maybe your father-in-law can either loan you the money or help you out.

If he says he didn't authorize any of the work done on the car then together with your father-in-law you need to go to the mechanic and let him know that the work done was not authorized. I am not sure about any laws or anything but I AM sure that they can't just do whatever they want to your car without permission first.

I honestly think the only way to handle this situation is to have some very frank conversations with the people involved. No one should have spent your money without your permission, especially on a car that might just have gotten rid of, had you known the cost to repair it would be more than the car is worth!

Sincerely,

jessica

June 8, 2009

dear jessica,

What do you feel is the best approach to take when the in- laws are over-stepping boundaries and/or crowding you and your family too much.

Contemplating in California

Dear Contemplating,

The best way to avoid in-laws is to not get married, but since you've clearly done that already, I'll give you plan B.

I think that the best thing you can do is start by having a conversation with your spouse about this. Let him/her know that you feel like his/her family is overstepping their bounds and tell him/her why you feel that way. Ask your spouse to give honest feedback and support their opinion with why they do or do not agree. Also really try to evaluate your in-laws' intentions on their invasion. Is it because they are controlling and need to have their hands in everything or could it be because they really care and want to be a big part of your life. Hopefully you and your spouse can agree on what you feel is reasonable and what is unreasonable in regards to the in-laws (and let's include your parents/family, too, as your spouse might feel they invade some of your space and time as well).

After you've had this conversation, it would be really beneficial to talk to the in-laws (whether that is both of you together or just the spouse whose parents they are) and let them know that while you want them to be part of your life, you need a little more space. Let them know what habits are not appropriate and what things are okay. Identify the boundaries. Be sure to intentionally include them in your life at times so that they know this is not a way for you to phase them out of your life, but just a way for you and your spouse to appropriately "leave and cleave." You don't want to let this go as it will just build and cause more frustration and possibly even tension between you and your spouse.

I realize that sometimes, people can be unreasonable and if this is the case, maybe it's time to relocate so that the in-laws can't just pop over and invade your space.

Without in-laws,
jessica

PS: Some thoughts to consider for my readers:

One thing for young, married couples to consider if you are feeling this same way: it's likely that you are wanting to feel independent and figure everything out on your own but your parents and your spouse's parents have "been there done that" and it's likely that they have valuable advice and thoughts regarding things you are going through. While it is absolutely imperative that you and your spouse become your own family, there is nothing wrong with getting advice and help from older and wiser people, aka: parents.

And parents, step back and evaluate how you might rate as an "in-law" - make sure you know your boundaries. If you aren't sure if you should say something or do something, think about your own in-laws and decide if you would have wanted them to do or say whatever it is your thinking about to you. As hard as I'm sure it is, your "kids" grow up and get married and raise their kids, just like you did. They need to be their own family and learn things for themselves. Hopefully, they remain humble and will come to you for advice when they need it. Be patient. And maybe even have the courage to ask your kids if there is anything you do that oversteps boundaries at times.

June 5, 2009

dear jessica,

i'm not a prude or anything, but it really bothers me when someone says god-d*** or jesus *****. Should I say anything to my friends or just let it play out?

Wincing in Wisconsin

Dear Wincing,

If it is your friends who are saying god-d*** and/or Jesus ***** then I would recommend letting them know, maybe at a time that they have not recently said it, that those two phrases bother you. Ask them if they would mind trying not to say it around you. Let them know that you cast no judgement, but that you just don't really like it. If they are a real friend, they will understand. Be sure to let them know that you appreciate their friendship and that you'd hope if you ever do or say anything that bothers them that they'd feel comfortable to tell you.

If it is not a close friend, I would just let it go. Although you clearly know this person (or people) better than I would and maybe there will be a moment when it's appropriate to address the situation in private - especially if you spend a significant amount of time with this person or people.

There are going to be times in life when people say things that are offensive and unfortunately, we sometimes just have to let things go. The best thing you can do is show love and kindness to those who offend you; and most of the time your love and kindness will be noticed... maybe not right away, but people tend to catch on to those who swear and those who don't and quite often, if someone notices you don't use the same words they do, they cut back on using them when you are around.

Seasoned with salt,

jessica