September 15, 2009

dear jessica,

One of our cars recently broke down, and my dad, trying to do the helpful thing, fixed it for us, then let us know about how much it would be. He didn't ask before fixing it, but just did it...I was a little annoyed... especially when the car broke down again the next day... but thankfully he didn't make us pay for it.

Then, my husband's dad, similarly trying to be nice, just had his mechanic friend from church look at it. We went over to his parents house tonight and the car was gone. "It's at the shop" we were told. My husband called the mechanic to let him know that we would like to talk about the cost before actually having him fix it, as we don't really have the money and have another car that he can use. But the job was already done, commissioned without our say-so. Oh, "it'll be about 850 dollars with parts and labor."

I am so upset right now. I realize that people are trying to be helpful, but this is the most unhelpful thing possible. I don't have a job currently, and we are hardly going to be able to scrape by as it is. Now, we're slapped with a huge bill that is equal to the VALUE of the car.

Is there anything I can do or say to these people? Or is it just a lost cause? I guess I'm frustrated for several reasons, most of which I'm sure are obvious, but mostly just because no one is treating us like adults and letting us decide when to fix our car -- since it IS our finances others are dealing with.

Any thoughts or advice?

Sign, Frustrated.

*****

Dear Frustrated,

First, let me say I totally feel so badly for you! I would be so frustrated too!

I think that you and your husband need to sit down with his father and lay it all out there. Let him know that you really appreciate the help and referral to his mechanic friend, but are unsure as to why he thought he could approve any work done on the vehicle. Let him know you are in a very tough financial spot and that you never would have approved $850 worth of work. Hopefully at this point you can have a discussion about payment options and maybe your father-in-law can either loan you the money or help you out.

If he says he didn't authorize any of the work done on the car then together with your father-in-law you need to go to the mechanic and let him know that the work done was not authorized. I am not sure about any laws or anything but I AM sure that they can't just do whatever they want to your car without permission first.

I honestly think the only way to handle this situation is to have some very frank conversations with the people involved. No one should have spent your money without your permission, especially on a car that might just have gotten rid of, had you known the cost to repair it would be more than the car is worth!

Sincerely,

jessica

July 18, 2009

dear jessica,

I'm 15. Last weekend, me and three of girlfriends snuck out of my house at a sleepover at 1 am. A cop saw us in a park and brought us home because it was past curfew. We weren't doing anything wrong. Now, my mom plans to tell all my friends moms, even though nothing happened bad. I don't see why. One of my friends already has a lot of trouble in her family, and she doesn't need more! Why would my mom want to add to the drama? She is so lame. How can I convince her to drop it?

Signed, Can't wait until I'm 18.

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Dear Can't wait to be 18,

In life, when we make decisions there are consequences. There is nothing good that can happen at a park at 1:00 am for four 15 year old girls. And if you and your three friends hadn't made the decision to sneak out of the house at such a late hour of the night, then you would not be facing the consequences you are now dealing with; and neither would your friends.

As hard as it might be to understand right now, the reason your mom is going to tell your friends' parents is because she is concerned about you, your friends and your lack of judgment. And your friends' parents have a right to know what their kids are doing and the types of decisions they are making. If I was the parent of one of your friends and my daughter snuck out and then got returned home by a cop at 1:00 am, I would be very upset if your mother didn't tell me.

Having said that, what kind of drama is your friend currently facing in her home? Is she making poor decisions and constantly facing consequences (and now this park situation is just another situation)? Or is there something more serious going on that is putting your friend in danger and/or in an abusive situation. If it's the latter, then you need to talk to a trusted adult about your friend's safety. If the drama is because of your friend's poor decisions then your friend is experiencing the consequences of making bad decisions.

Or is there a lot of drama that has nothing to do with her (ie: parents divorcing, sibling in lots of trouble, family facing financial problems, etc)? If that is the case, maybe you need to sit down with your friend and a school counselor, church leader, or another adult you trust and help your friend figure out how she can contribute to her family in a positive way, rather than contributing to the problems that her parents are already having to deal with.

Clearly you desire to be considered an adult (you signed yourself "can't wait to be 18") - this is your opportunity to act like an adult. You made an adult decision and now it's time to handle the consequences like an adult. And whatever the case may be with your friend, I recommend you talk to your mom about your concerns regarding your friend- with a good attitude and open mind to whatever feedback your mom has. As hard as it is to accept at your age (I've been where you are), parents really do have a better idea of what is best for you than you do. They were 15 once, too. And I'd be willing to bet your mom has made similar decisions as you did. I'm a big fan of heart to heart talks.

And I'd encourage you to think through all your decisions and consider the possible consequences in the future (whether its a decision to sneak out, go to college, get a job, have sex, drink alcohol etc). If there are consequences you are unwilling to accept then maybe you need to re-think your decision.

(And if you know me personally, I'd be willing to talk more about this in depth, but I honestly have no idea who you are... or feel free to email me at the email address in the column to your right).

Wanting the best for you,

jessica

July 6, 2009

dear jessica,

My husband I and have strong opinions about animal rights. We agree that zoos are inhumane and everyone knows how we feel. We're pretty vocal.

Recently, my parents picked up our four year old for an outing. They most definitely know how we feel. They brought our son to the ZOO without telling us first. When they returned, they brushed it off like it was nothing. We are horrified for our son to have seen the animals in this situation, and feel it might affect him.

My parents think we are being rediculous, but we have told them they can't take him anymore unless they tell us exactly where they plan to bring him and we approve.We are at a hurdle. We're close to telling them they can't take him at all since they don't respect our beliefs. Who's right and who's wrong here?

Sign me, Animal Lover in the MidWest

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Dear Animal Lover,

I try to keep my personal opinion out of secondary issues in these responses, but I feel like I need to address the Animal Rights issue as well as the issue of you feeling as though your parents overstepped their bounds.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am not a fan of animals. I don't like the hair everywhere, the smells, or the responsibility. Having said that, like you, I do not wish harm upon them. I think they should be treated kindly and we should not go out of our way to hurt them. I, too, have given some thought to animals living in zoo's and how in many ways, it doesn't seem right (some people might be surprised to know I have thought of that).

While, yes, zoos house animals outside their natural environment, after much thought I can't figure out how, in theory, they are inhumane. I realize that not every zoo treats the animals the same as another, but for the most part zoos have really done a good job of trying to make the habitat most like their natural one, feed them food that they need, and in some cases, even let the hunting animals hunt. And something that many people don't think about is that dogs, cats, fish and any other "pets" you might have at home are also out of their natural habitat. Yes, they have been domesticated but your living room or backyard is not your dog's natural habitat. I would be willing to bet that most animals in zoos were born in captivity (like your dog) and that is all they know. So long as the animals are not being intentionally hurt, they are probably okay and content. If you are against keeping animals captive in a zoo (even though they are treated as well as possible in their environment) then you'd have to be against household pets too.

You said you feel your son might somehow be affected by going to a zoo. I think the only way a 4 year old would be affected by going to the zoo is that he gets to learn about and see animals that he otherwise would never be able to see if he had to travel to Africa, India, China, etc to see each of them.

In regards to your parents taking your son to the zoo... I agree that, knowing your values, they should have discussed it with you. If I had to guess (and I could be wrong) I'd guess that because this is a strong belief you have, you are unwilling to hear any legitimate reasons as to why your parents feel it is okay to take your son to the zoo so they decided to just take him without your permission. I think it's time to sit down and discuss this with your parents. Restricting time with, demanding an itemeized schedule or cutting out loving grandparents from your child's life over something like animal rights, in my opinion (which you asked for) is foolish, ridiculous, and an overreaction. It's important that you and your spouse have an open discussion with your parents and that everyone is honest with each other, listens to each other, and remains open minded.

I think another way to approach this situation in which everyone wins is to take your frustration or disgust over zoos and do something positive about it. I know someone who knows someone who became a vegan. She did this because she saw a video about how cows are treated poorly at slaughter houses and decided right then that she was going to stop eating any animal products because of how some are treated. I think this is an ignorant response to a real problem. If she truly wanted to make a difference, refusing to eating animal products (which she enjoyed before the video) is not the answer. She should have decided to only eat animal products from organic growers - from farmers who raised their animals in a humane way and do not treat them poorly. She would not only be "boycotting" farms that mistreat animals, she would be supporting and promoting farms where animals are treated the way they should be treated.

If you truly feel zoos are inhumane, maybe you should go to a few zoos and see how their animals are treated. Ask questions, see what they do with their money, how they feed the animals, what they do to make the environment most like their "natural" habitat. Then, when you find a zoo who treats the animals well, support it. Give them donations to help them keep up the good environment. Take your son to the zoo and teach him about all the different animals. Tell him about how well they treat the animals there and why it's important to treat animals well.

Finally, if you feel that animals have as much innate value and worth as human beings, disregard everything I just said. I can't relate or help =)

With respect,

Jessica

June 23, 2009

dear jessica,

My husband and I can't agree on something. I want my 4 and 6 year old kids to stay young and innocent. I let them watch Disney and things like that for kids. He likes to let them stay up and watch movies that I think are TMI. Like PG13 and even some R. HELP! How can I protect my kids without getting into a knock down screaming fight with their dad?

Wanting peace and innocence in Iowa

*****
dear wanting,

It sounds to me like you and your husband need to have a good chat about this. I think at some point, when you two are alone and there are no distractions and you are both in a decent mood you need need to bring this topic up. Explain why you feel these PG-13 and R movies are inappropriate and ask him to explain why he thinks they are appropriate for your 4 and 6 year olds to watch... and make sure you listen.

Some other things to consider... are your kids watching these movies with you and your husband or are they watching them by themselves or as a way to keep them occupied while you and/or dad are doing something else? I don't think there are many PG-13 and R rated movies that are appropriate for young kids to watch, but at the same time, there might be some that, if you watched as a family and paused the movies to discuss along the way, it could be a good learning opportunity. Since I don't have kids, I don't ever filter movies through the eyes of a child so I can't even think of any examples of appropriate PG-13 and R movies at this point.

There is also a difference in movies rated PG-13 and R for sexual content, swearing, drug use and crude humor, and movies that are rated that way because of war scenes or action. So what is the content of these movies?

I agree that it's important to keep your kids innocent and there are many things in life they don't need to know until they are older, but at the same time, kids will be exposed to stuff through TV, media, other kids, school etc that you can't avoid. Maybe you and your husband can compromise and find movies that could offer some degree of education (like a movie about an event in history)... as I mentioned previously, maybe you can discuss the movie and see if the kids have questions, pausing the movie as you watching it to talk.

To avoid the knock down screaming fight try to plan what movie you are going to watch in advance so the decision can be discussed rather than you and your husband having two different opinions in the moment that you are about to watch the movie.

And frankly, another thing to consider is what movies do your kids like best? Are they more entertained by kid movies? They might like those better!

Finally, maybe it's time to bust out the board games and add a new dimension to family night. You mentioned your husband likes to let them stay up late sometimes to watch these movies... what about family game and popcorn night? It fosters communication and family bonding and is probably a more constructive way to spend the evening anyway!

Any readers have any additional thoughts? I don't have kids so I can't speak from experience.

Not from experience on this one,
jessica

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Dear Jessica,

I am in desperate need of help. Myself and my daughter continue to get really, oh how do I put this nicely, hideous gifts from my husband's grandma. I usually accept them graciously with a smile on my face and they end up being donated to a charity or going in the garage sale box. But how would you recommend accepting them? Would it be ok for me to decline accepting them?

Sincerely,

Gift Madness

*****

Dear Gift Madness,

This is definitely a tough situation and one I think that everyone can relate to. I honestly think that what you are doing- accepting them graciously and then either donating or selling at a garage sale at a later date- is perfect... well, as long as grandma doesn't come to your garage sale!

I think there are times when it is appropriate to make an extra effort though depending on what the gift is. For example, if Great Aunt Gertrude knits you a sweater, wear it to the next family dinner. It would make her feel really special and it takes little effort on your part. Everyone else would know why you are wearing it, too, so it could be kind of funny to reminisce about when Great Aunt Gertrude isn't around.

I would advise to always graciously accept gifts. When someone gives you something, they typically are good intentioned and as cheesy at it sounds, "it's the thought that counts." For me personally, it means that someone was thinking about me when we weren't together and I think that is kind of neat.

Oh and if someone includes the receipt, by all means, exchange it. That is what they included it for!

Graciously,

Jessica

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dear jessica,

When I finished university, a friend got me a great job with her small family firm. Unfortunately, her mother-in-law didn't not approve of the hire, and now she is making life miserable for me. I think I'm doing my job well, but I never get approval from her. She can't seem to even be civil with me. I'm thinking of quitting and looking for a different position, but my friend assures me she'll eventually come around. I feel like I'm right in the middle of their issue. How long should I give it? Any suggestions for winning the mother-in-law's approval?

Can't catch a break, in Cleveland

*****

dear Can't Catch a Break,

My first reaction is wondering why the friend is allowed to hire if the mother-in-law clearly doesn't trust her decisions. I also wonder if this is a problem between your friend and her mother-in-law (MIL) as you alluded to or if the MIL really has a problem with you.

I am assuming the MIL is either owner of the business or at least has lots of say in what goes on and I honestly think the best way to approach this is to chat with the MIL. Not to ask her what her deal is, but just say something like, "Since you are the owner/manager, what you think of my job performance is important to me. I'd like to schedule some time with you if you don't mind and get some feed back on my performance." This will show her that a) you care about the family business and b) you want to do the best you can and c) you are not what her assumptions of you have been to this point. And continue to work hard!

I also recommend that you continue to "kill her with kindness" - I don't mean kiss butt, no one likes a butt kiss, especially if they don't approve of you yet - but just smile genuinely when you see her, ask her how her day is going and pause to listen (even if she is just going to say "fine" and walk away), make good eye contact with her, and show her that you are loyal to the business (only you know what that looks like since you work there).

If you feel like you are getting nowhere and have tried to get feedback and have conversations with her with no success, maybe it is time to look for a new job. But look silently and try not to tell your friend until you find one. In this economy it might be hard to find a new job so keep pursuing a future at your current one until something is set in stone.

A personal experience. One time I was working retail and I felt like my manger didn't like me at all. She kind of "picked on me" and got mad at me for really dumb things. One day when it was just the two of us, I stopped what I was doing, turned and looked at her, and said, "Am I doing something wrong? I feel like you get frustrated with me a lot and over little things?" She was a little caught off guard but said she liked me and how I worked and didn't realize she was coming across that way. After that our working relationship was great. Sometimes confrontation (not rude, but honest) is the way to go!

Empathetically,

Jessica

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dear jessica,

I want to lose some weight. I try to be healthy, and exercise often, but I feel as though I often cannot help but eat badly. I feel like I could ask my spouse to help, but do not find it fair to ask them to take responsibility for my eating splurges. Do you have any advice?

Feeling Fat in Frankfurt

*****

dear Feeling Fat,

It's great that you try to be healthy and exercise! You are already a step ahead of most of America.

I think that it's absolutely okay to ask for help and accountability from your husband. You aren't asking him to take responsibility for your eating splurges, you are asking him to support you with a lifestyle change you want to make. And lets face it, this will benefit him as well as you will have more confidence, your longevity should increase, and you will have more energy to do things with him.

While many people can eat healthy and maintain a daily exercise routine on their own, there are also lots of people (like myself) who like to have a buddy to do those things with. It helps to keep you motivated and accountable.

Eating healthy is definitely intentional though. Maybe together you and your husband can find recipes for healthy dinners you like or keep healthier snacks in the house. I am not talking about making salads for dinner and only having carrots in the house to snack on. But there are definitely healthier alternatives to foods that we like to eat. Example: use ground turkey instead of ground beef. Buy baked chips instead of regular... stuff like that.

A few other suggestions. Don't grocery shop when you are hungry. If you buy snack foods get the kind that scome in individual portion sizes. Write down what you eat everyday. DON'T weigh yourself everyday. Drink a big glass of water before meals. Don't deny yourself of things you love, just have them in moderation. Forgive yourself if you feel you made a mistake. Don't consider the rest of the day "ruined" because you "blew it" at breakfast or lunch.

Consider joining something like Weight Watchers. I know many people, including myself, who have used that program and been very successful. They don't tell you that there are certain foods that you can't eat; they help you make better choices and help you with portions. They provide accountability because you weigh in every week, they offer suggestions and recipes and tips at the weekly meetings, and they simply teach you how to make that lifestyle change in a realistic way.

But back to your main question... it's definitely okay to ask your husband for support. He probably would want to know this is something you are struggling with. Tell him how you'd like him to help you (like going for walks together, making healthy dinner menus together, being strong enought to keep driving past DQ when you aren't, etc) and what his help doesn't look like (like saying things like "do you really want to eat that?" or "I thought you were trying to eat better?"). Your spouse will probably be your biggest fan and happy to help you anyway he can!

With Understanding,

Jessica

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READERS: Clearly I was behind on answering questions. Sorry about that... life has been busy. Please feel free to comment and say why you agree or disagree. Also, add comments and suggestions! I obviously don't have all the answers and you just might have something valuable to add! I will still have to "approve comments" so that I can leave comment moderation on, but unless it's a question for me, I will approve all comments in response to these questions!

Oh and please excuse the typos and poor grammar. It's late =)

Cherrio

June 15, 2009

dear jessica,

I'm 22 and my mom and I went to a mother/daughter tea at her church on Saturday. She is so serious and doesn't seem to want to realize that I am carefree and not everything she wants me to be (very religious). I want to be close with her, but I don't know how to get her to accept me how I am. What can I do?

Just a Girl Wanting to Have Fun

*****
dear Wanting to have fun,

First I think it's great that you accompany your mom on things at her church like the mother/daughter tea, even if it's not your thing. I bet it means a lot to your mom and it shows that you really value your relationship with your mom. Keep that up!

I think it might be important to have a conversation sometime with your mom about how you feel. Take her to coffee one day and let her know that while you really love her, want to be close with her, and really value your relationship, you have some differing opinions and want to talk about them. Tell her you want to have open dialogue about what you and her are both feeling. Tell her you don't want to argue, but that you just want to share how you feel and hear how she feels.

Give your mom a chance to share with you her values, her life experiences, and why she thinks her religion is important. And listen. You never know what might come up and if she might be on to something. Then explain to her how you feel and I bet she will be willing to return the favor of listening. If you disagree, tell her why. Or if you aren't ready to make the commitment to her religion, tell her that. Tell her you are willing to listen and have discussions about the things that are important to her and ask that she would try to put herself in your shoes when you want to talk about things that are important to you. Tell her that while you are figuring life out you would appreciate her accepting you for you, regardless of your decisions. Tell her that you appreciate her praying for you, because you want to figure life out just as much as she wants you to figure life out.

Also, try to understand that her persistence and overbearing-ness (is that a word?), most likely stems from a very deep love for you and wanting what is best for you. If you don't have kids yet then you probably can't comprehend the type of love a mother has for her children. Sometimes parents have great intentions but totally miss the mark. It's part of being human.

And most of all, continue to make the efforts to reach out to her and keep your close bond with your mom. I would imagine that the conversations you have and time you share with her are a few of her favorite things in the world!

With good intentions,
Jess

June 8, 2009

dear jessica,

What do you feel is the best approach to take when the in- laws are over-stepping boundaries and/or crowding you and your family too much.

Contemplating in California

Dear Contemplating,

The best way to avoid in-laws is to not get married, but since you've clearly done that already, I'll give you plan B.

I think that the best thing you can do is start by having a conversation with your spouse about this. Let him/her know that you feel like his/her family is overstepping their bounds and tell him/her why you feel that way. Ask your spouse to give honest feedback and support their opinion with why they do or do not agree. Also really try to evaluate your in-laws' intentions on their invasion. Is it because they are controlling and need to have their hands in everything or could it be because they really care and want to be a big part of your life. Hopefully you and your spouse can agree on what you feel is reasonable and what is unreasonable in regards to the in-laws (and let's include your parents/family, too, as your spouse might feel they invade some of your space and time as well).

After you've had this conversation, it would be really beneficial to talk to the in-laws (whether that is both of you together or just the spouse whose parents they are) and let them know that while you want them to be part of your life, you need a little more space. Let them know what habits are not appropriate and what things are okay. Identify the boundaries. Be sure to intentionally include them in your life at times so that they know this is not a way for you to phase them out of your life, but just a way for you and your spouse to appropriately "leave and cleave." You don't want to let this go as it will just build and cause more frustration and possibly even tension between you and your spouse.

I realize that sometimes, people can be unreasonable and if this is the case, maybe it's time to relocate so that the in-laws can't just pop over and invade your space.

Without in-laws,
jessica

PS: Some thoughts to consider for my readers:

One thing for young, married couples to consider if you are feeling this same way: it's likely that you are wanting to feel independent and figure everything out on your own but your parents and your spouse's parents have "been there done that" and it's likely that they have valuable advice and thoughts regarding things you are going through. While it is absolutely imperative that you and your spouse become your own family, there is nothing wrong with getting advice and help from older and wiser people, aka: parents.

And parents, step back and evaluate how you might rate as an "in-law" - make sure you know your boundaries. If you aren't sure if you should say something or do something, think about your own in-laws and decide if you would have wanted them to do or say whatever it is your thinking about to you. As hard as I'm sure it is, your "kids" grow up and get married and raise their kids, just like you did. They need to be their own family and learn things for themselves. Hopefully, they remain humble and will come to you for advice when they need it. Be patient. And maybe even have the courage to ask your kids if there is anything you do that oversteps boundaries at times.

June 1, 2009

dear jessica,

What are your thoughts on divorce... do you think people give up too easily these days? Are there Biblical grounds for divorce other than marital unfaithfulness? What about spousal abuse?

Signed, Pondering in Pennsylvania

Dear Pondering,

I definitely think there are some people who give up on their marriage too easily these days. I think the problem lies with people thinking from the beginning that divorce is an option if they fall out of love. A marriage commitment is one to take seriously and one of the most important decisions of one's life. It goes without saying that you are going to have hard times, differences of opinions, and things to work through. Also, people change... maybe not in big ways, but things happen in the course of your life that causes you to grow, change, think differently, etc and you have to go in to marriage knowing that people are not going to be exactly the same as they were on your wedding day. You just have to find a way to grow together, listen, and communicate... and the biggest thing... always put your spouse before yourself. If you are putting their needs before your own (and they are doing the same) you should be able to work through anything. And another thing... no close friends of the opposite sex... mutual friends, yes. But seriously people, you can't have close friends of the opposite sex...

Besides marital unfaithfulness, I also believe a Biblical grounds for divorce is if your unbelieving spouse leaves you. And in regards to abuse... this is my own opinion and I don't have a verse to substantiate this, but I think if you are being abused (physically, sexually, emotionally, mentally) then you can leave. At that point it's dangerous to be in the situation and especially if you have kids involved... no good.

with perseverance,
jessica

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dear jessica,

What is a good way to approach confronting a family member? Especially when you'll see that family member(s) often...

Confused by confrontation in Connecticut

Dear Confused,

First, really evaluate your motive for wanting to confront the person. Then, I honestly think a mature, adult conversation is the best way to handle this. Call them up (or if you are comfortable emailing... no texing) and ask them if you can meet for coffee, dinner, a walk, etc. And as hard as confrontation is sometimes, you gotta just bite the bullet and address the elephant in the room. Once you get together, bring up what is on your mind... be nice about it... if your motive is genuinely pure, your concern for them or the situation should show through. If it is something that the family member will need help with, offer to help or be willing to find help if you can't be that person. And be willing to listen to feedback... maybe you have a part in this and you have something to work on to. Be humble. If this is an issue you have to agree to disagree on, then be willing to set aside your differences when you are at family functions and avoid that issue. If the issue comes up, be the bigger person and bite your tongue or excuse yourself and leave the room. Life is too short to live at odds with family. You may not always agree with them, but they are still family and it's important to always support the person, even if you don't support their decisions. Sometimes there is nothing you can do about a family member who refuses to be civil and in those situations, once you've done all you can, just be nice and enjoy the company of everyone else.
Hope this answers your question...

peacefully yours,
jessica

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dear jessica,

What should I do about being friends with someone who I really like, but they want more out of the friendship than I do? I'm content with an occasional phone call and email, but every time we talk, she wants to meet for a meal or movie or some such thing. I should mention we are both girls, so it's not like a guy/girl problem.

signed, 30%

Dear 30%,

This is a tough situation to be in... I've been there. I think you can let this person know that while you really enjoy the friendship, you don't have as much time as she does to go out. Give her a realistic idea of how much time during the week or month you can actually spend outside the duties of your work, family, and household. Let her know that you still want to keep in touch by phone and email because while you may not have a few hours in your day to spend with her, there are times where you are busy doing something but can still chat on the phone (like cooking dinner, etc)... I think if you really like this person it's important to make time for the occasional meal or movie. Or maybe, you can invite her along to chat while you're waiting for your kids at soccer practice. Or let her know that you have a few errands to run, but she can ride along so you can "catch up." If you aren't honest with her, though, you will become frustrated each time she contacts you and that is just no good for anyone.

Been there,

jessica