June 15, 2009

dear jessica,

I'm 22 and my mom and I went to a mother/daughter tea at her church on Saturday. She is so serious and doesn't seem to want to realize that I am carefree and not everything she wants me to be (very religious). I want to be close with her, but I don't know how to get her to accept me how I am. What can I do?

Just a Girl Wanting to Have Fun

*****
dear Wanting to have fun,

First I think it's great that you accompany your mom on things at her church like the mother/daughter tea, even if it's not your thing. I bet it means a lot to your mom and it shows that you really value your relationship with your mom. Keep that up!

I think it might be important to have a conversation sometime with your mom about how you feel. Take her to coffee one day and let her know that while you really love her, want to be close with her, and really value your relationship, you have some differing opinions and want to talk about them. Tell her you want to have open dialogue about what you and her are both feeling. Tell her you don't want to argue, but that you just want to share how you feel and hear how she feels.

Give your mom a chance to share with you her values, her life experiences, and why she thinks her religion is important. And listen. You never know what might come up and if she might be on to something. Then explain to her how you feel and I bet she will be willing to return the favor of listening. If you disagree, tell her why. Or if you aren't ready to make the commitment to her religion, tell her that. Tell her you are willing to listen and have discussions about the things that are important to her and ask that she would try to put herself in your shoes when you want to talk about things that are important to you. Tell her that while you are figuring life out you would appreciate her accepting you for you, regardless of your decisions. Tell her that you appreciate her praying for you, because you want to figure life out just as much as she wants you to figure life out.

Also, try to understand that her persistence and overbearing-ness (is that a word?), most likely stems from a very deep love for you and wanting what is best for you. If you don't have kids yet then you probably can't comprehend the type of love a mother has for her children. Sometimes parents have great intentions but totally miss the mark. It's part of being human.

And most of all, continue to make the efforts to reach out to her and keep your close bond with your mom. I would imagine that the conversations you have and time you share with her are a few of her favorite things in the world!

With good intentions,
Jess