June 4, 2009

dear jessica,

What is your thought on marrying young (i.e. teens or early 20's) versus marrying older. Do you think there is any difference, does it matter? Pro's/Con's??? Just wondering your thoughts...

signed,
wondering in winnamucka

Dear Wondering,

I think for each couple the answer is different. I know people who have found the love of their lives at a young age and have a very successful marriage, and the same of people who have waited until they are older.

I think there are just a few things to consider, though, should you be contemplating marriage at a young age. The first thing is: Are you emotionally ready to make that type of commitment? Marriage is a life long commitment and some people are not ready to make that sort of commitment until they are older. Those who marry young should realize that there is a good chance they will both change a bit as they get older and are exposed to new situations, events, and circumstances in their life. They have to be willing to love their spouse and be "all in" in the relationship no matter what happens. There is definitely an element of "settling down" when you get married, even if you don't have kids yet. Your spouse becomes your priority over friends, their needs become more important than your own, their problems are also yours as you should be able to provide that emotional support to your spouse.... and some young adults are not ready for that yet. So I think the first thing when considering marriage at a young age is whether or not you're emotionally ready for that kind of commitment and responsibility.

The second thing to consider, that kind of ties into the former, is do you really know who YOU are enough to know what you want in a spouse? Looking back on my own life, I have changed so much since I was 19 and 20 years old. I have experienced so many things, changed some of my opinions and values and have totally different perspectives on certain things. Some of the characteristics of what I wanted in a spouse then is not what I'd want now. This doesn't mean that a couple can't change and grow together, but be mindful that there is the possibility of growing in different directions and value changing (not an excuse for divorce btw). Also, there are lots of things in life that are just easier to experience single: traveling, moving and trying new cities, going to college, etc. It can be done while you are married, but it's a lot easier if you are single.

There are positive things about getting married young, too... you have someone to share the adventure of figuring life out with you, you get to avoid the annoying dating scene that most 20 somethings go through, you don't have to stress about being single forever or that all the good guys are taken, if you have kids young you will be "young" parents and can do activities with your kids for more of their lives because you aren't already "old" (I use that term loosely). And frankly, some people just meet that person and know they are supposed to be together. They know that they don't want to spend another day without them in their lives so if that means getting married young, then get married young.

Obviously the advantages to getting married older would be the opposites of the above points (more emotionally ready and knowing yourself better so that you know what you want in a spouse). Some disadvantages to getting married older are you tend to get more set in your ways, you get pickier, you are more likely to not want to move from your community to be with someone b/c of a job you might have, you are more likely to end up with someone who has either been married or in a very serious relationship before (not that it's bad... don't get me wrong. You just aren't likely to find someone who has no baggage at all), and women... let's face it... our biological clock's are ticking.

So back to my first thought: it depends on each couple... some marry young and it works and others marry young and it doesn't work. Some marry older and it works, and others marry older and it doesn't. The important thing is to take the decision very seriously.

With careful consideration,
jessica