June 1, 2009

dear jessica,

What are your thoughts on divorce... do you think people give up too easily these days? Are there Biblical grounds for divorce other than marital unfaithfulness? What about spousal abuse?

Signed, Pondering in Pennsylvania

Dear Pondering,

I definitely think there are some people who give up on their marriage too easily these days. I think the problem lies with people thinking from the beginning that divorce is an option if they fall out of love. A marriage commitment is one to take seriously and one of the most important decisions of one's life. It goes without saying that you are going to have hard times, differences of opinions, and things to work through. Also, people change... maybe not in big ways, but things happen in the course of your life that causes you to grow, change, think differently, etc and you have to go in to marriage knowing that people are not going to be exactly the same as they were on your wedding day. You just have to find a way to grow together, listen, and communicate... and the biggest thing... always put your spouse before yourself. If you are putting their needs before your own (and they are doing the same) you should be able to work through anything. And another thing... no close friends of the opposite sex... mutual friends, yes. But seriously people, you can't have close friends of the opposite sex...

Besides marital unfaithfulness, I also believe a Biblical grounds for divorce is if your unbelieving spouse leaves you. And in regards to abuse... this is my own opinion and I don't have a verse to substantiate this, but I think if you are being abused (physically, sexually, emotionally, mentally) then you can leave. At that point it's dangerous to be in the situation and especially if you have kids involved... no good.

with perseverance,
jessica

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dear jessica,

What is a good way to approach confronting a family member? Especially when you'll see that family member(s) often...

Confused by confrontation in Connecticut

Dear Confused,

First, really evaluate your motive for wanting to confront the person. Then, I honestly think a mature, adult conversation is the best way to handle this. Call them up (or if you are comfortable emailing... no texing) and ask them if you can meet for coffee, dinner, a walk, etc. And as hard as confrontation is sometimes, you gotta just bite the bullet and address the elephant in the room. Once you get together, bring up what is on your mind... be nice about it... if your motive is genuinely pure, your concern for them or the situation should show through. If it is something that the family member will need help with, offer to help or be willing to find help if you can't be that person. And be willing to listen to feedback... maybe you have a part in this and you have something to work on to. Be humble. If this is an issue you have to agree to disagree on, then be willing to set aside your differences when you are at family functions and avoid that issue. If the issue comes up, be the bigger person and bite your tongue or excuse yourself and leave the room. Life is too short to live at odds with family. You may not always agree with them, but they are still family and it's important to always support the person, even if you don't support their decisions. Sometimes there is nothing you can do about a family member who refuses to be civil and in those situations, once you've done all you can, just be nice and enjoy the company of everyone else.
Hope this answers your question...

peacefully yours,
jessica

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dear jessica,

What should I do about being friends with someone who I really like, but they want more out of the friendship than I do? I'm content with an occasional phone call and email, but every time we talk, she wants to meet for a meal or movie or some such thing. I should mention we are both girls, so it's not like a guy/girl problem.

signed, 30%

Dear 30%,

This is a tough situation to be in... I've been there. I think you can let this person know that while you really enjoy the friendship, you don't have as much time as she does to go out. Give her a realistic idea of how much time during the week or month you can actually spend outside the duties of your work, family, and household. Let her know that you still want to keep in touch by phone and email because while you may not have a few hours in your day to spend with her, there are times where you are busy doing something but can still chat on the phone (like cooking dinner, etc)... I think if you really like this person it's important to make time for the occasional meal or movie. Or maybe, you can invite her along to chat while you're waiting for your kids at soccer practice. Or let her know that you have a few errands to run, but she can ride along so you can "catch up." If you aren't honest with her, though, you will become frustrated each time she contacts you and that is just no good for anyone.

Been there,

jessica