July 20, 2010

Dear Jessica,

My husband loves to French kiss, and I'd really rather not. Well, most of the time, I'd rather not.I don't want to put a damper on things, hurt his feelings, or mess with his ego, but it has gotten to the point where it's distracting to me, and sometimes even a little repulsive.Any suggestions? Or am I just strange?

Signed, Tongue-in-Cheek

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Dear Tongue-in-cheek,

First, don't feel like there is something wrong with you or that you aren't normal. I know you didn't say you felt this way, but I just want to be sure you know that you know this is common and you are not strange. We all have different preferences in kissing styles, and sometimes, they are totally different than our spouse/significant other's kissing style.

Next, there is a good chance that he kisses the same way because it's the way he's always done it. And if you haven't said otherwise, he probably thinks nothing is wrong. The key to overcoming this repetition is to challenge it. I don't mean prepare a 3 point speech where you try to lovingly, yet honestly, tell him you don't love french kissing. I mean, take the lead. Tell him what you like by showing him!

Not only will he probably respond by repeating you, he will probably love the assertiveness. If you start changing it up by taking the lead, you will probably have to suffer through less french kissing and your "together-time" will most likely become more intimate and fun!

Sincerely,

Jessica

August 16, 2009

dear jessica,

I have a roommate. She is 26 years old (so six years older than me). We met at our previous jobs and became really good friends. I had another roommate that was moving out and so we decided that it would be fun for her to move in. She is a really great person, lots of fun to be with, but we share different beliefs. She is not a Christian. We have lived together for over a year now and while sometimes I absolutely love it, lately it's been horrible. You see she plays an online computer game called World of Warcraft (WOW). She originally played it when she moved in and then quit after a while due to lack of interest. We practically did everything together and we always have fun. But this last June I went on a 10-day trip. When I came back she had started to play the game again-only this time she started from scratch. Needless to say she is highly addicted to it and sometimes never comes out except to go to the bathroom and grab food. She gets crabby when I talk to her because she is either tired from staying up late playing the game or she is in the middle of playing the game and has to get back to it. I really struggle with it because of how much we used to hang out and now I feel thrown to the wayside. She also tends to neglect house chores or just simply does not care to do them....because she is so caught up in the game (as I see it). I get so upset sometimes at living with someone who just ignores me so much, but then I feel guilty because I feel selfish. I know she has a very different worldview than I and I try to have patience with her but sometimes I get so hurt. I guess I come from the perspective of doing things for other people because I care about them and that I try to respect the other person as much as possible. I am afraid I going to start getting bitter (I have started calling her selfish and lazy in my head) and not be able to heal from being hurt. I have tried to talk to her several times about how much this is bad for and how much I miss hanging out with her and how she needs to do her part in the apartment. Sometimes the discussion ends with me feeling guilty because she says it's her life and that I am being too co-dependant. Sometimes she breaks down crying and starts hugging me saying she knows she is treating me horribly and that she wants to change. She says these things and sometimes I see things that indicates she wants to change, but then it seems like a week later it doesn't really matter. Our most recent fight/ discussion/ cry fest was this last weekend. I decided, though, during the fight portion that I wanted to move out. That I could not handle living like this. I had even told a couple of my friends that I was ready to move out. Then we had a heart to heart and a cry fest. Well now I am just so afraid that things are going to go back to the way they were before. I want to be selfless and be there for her and continue to be her friend. Yet at the same time I want to protect myself and not feel hurt. I wish I could have it both ways but I just don't see how. I think that if I moved out I would feel like I was abandoning her and that I would be a bad example of Christ or that it's just selfish of me to move out. On the other hand I think that I deserve to live with someone who cares more about me than a stupid computer game. I just have no idea how to feel or what to do! I am sooo confused. If you have any advice for me I would really really appreciate it.

Signed, Replaced by a Computer Game.

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Dear Replaced,

My initial thoughts are this (and I will expand in the following paragraphs): Your being frustrated and having the desire to want to move out isn't being selfish or unChrist-like so try not to feel too guilty. You just have certain expectations about what you want in a roommate. You are young and should be able to have a roommate who wants to hang out with you occasionally and who is mutually involved in taking care of the apartment and if that expectation is not being met, you have no obligation to stay (besides an possible obligation to fulfill a lease?).

I can totally see your frustration in the situation... I would be as equally irritated. I honestly don't think you are being selfish at all. I think that, especially when you are young and unmarried, part of having a roommate is having someone to hang out with and have fun with. Obviously it doesn't have to be 100% of the time, but it's reasonable to want a roommate who you are also friends with and hang out with occasionally (or hang out with fairly often in some cases). When their interests are becoming totally different than your own, then they are no longer meeting the expectations you had of that relationship when you initially chose them as a roommate.

The first thing I would suggest you do is figure out if you want to make a few more attempts at making this roommate relationship work or if you feel like you've already made those attempts and you are ready to take the next step. If you do want to attempt to make it work, I would recommend that you suggest things to do with your roommate so she has an option of something to do besides WOW (I am assuming you already do this). Suggest places to go, making dinner, renting a movie, etc. It will become pretty clear if she is just unwilling to do anything besides WOW.

If you decided you want to find a new living situation then there is nothing wrong with that. And frankly, you might be happier. If you want, before you look for a new living situation, you could maybe sit down with current roommate and have a [final] heart-to-heart and say "look, I am not opposed to you playing WOW. That is your decision and if that is how you want to choose to spend your free time that is fine. I, however, prefer more engaging and interactive friendships and hobbies. If this hobby is something you are going to be spending most of your free time on for a while then I would like to find a new roommate and/or a new place to live. This doesn't mean we can't be friends; I certainly want to hang out still, but I really want a roommate who has similar interests as me and who is more engaged in the roommate relationship and upkeep of the apartment."

She might say she will "change" - and if you are willing (decide this before you have this convo) then give her a chance (maybe a few weeks or month). Be sure to tell her you are not trying to change her and if she wants to play WOW then that is fine, but you are just not willing to live with someone who plays it as much as she does. If she feels like you are trying to change her (even though you aren't), she might start to resent you, which is obviously not something you want so that is why it's good to emphasize that if she wants to keep playing that is okay, but things will just have to change.

And don't feel selfish for being frustrated. Its hard to suddenly be ignored and to be put to the side, especially when you are being replaced by something like a video game. And again, you deserve to be in a living situation that you like and enjoy... you are young; having fun and living with roommates who have similar interests is kind of what life is about when you are 20!!!

Empathetically,

Jessica

June 15, 2009

dear jessica,

I'm 22 and my mom and I went to a mother/daughter tea at her church on Saturday. She is so serious and doesn't seem to want to realize that I am carefree and not everything she wants me to be (very religious). I want to be close with her, but I don't know how to get her to accept me how I am. What can I do?

Just a Girl Wanting to Have Fun

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dear Wanting to have fun,

First I think it's great that you accompany your mom on things at her church like the mother/daughter tea, even if it's not your thing. I bet it means a lot to your mom and it shows that you really value your relationship with your mom. Keep that up!

I think it might be important to have a conversation sometime with your mom about how you feel. Take her to coffee one day and let her know that while you really love her, want to be close with her, and really value your relationship, you have some differing opinions and want to talk about them. Tell her you want to have open dialogue about what you and her are both feeling. Tell her you don't want to argue, but that you just want to share how you feel and hear how she feels.

Give your mom a chance to share with you her values, her life experiences, and why she thinks her religion is important. And listen. You never know what might come up and if she might be on to something. Then explain to her how you feel and I bet she will be willing to return the favor of listening. If you disagree, tell her why. Or if you aren't ready to make the commitment to her religion, tell her that. Tell her you are willing to listen and have discussions about the things that are important to her and ask that she would try to put herself in your shoes when you want to talk about things that are important to you. Tell her that while you are figuring life out you would appreciate her accepting you for you, regardless of your decisions. Tell her that you appreciate her praying for you, because you want to figure life out just as much as she wants you to figure life out.

Also, try to understand that her persistence and overbearing-ness (is that a word?), most likely stems from a very deep love for you and wanting what is best for you. If you don't have kids yet then you probably can't comprehend the type of love a mother has for her children. Sometimes parents have great intentions but totally miss the mark. It's part of being human.

And most of all, continue to make the efforts to reach out to her and keep your close bond with your mom. I would imagine that the conversations you have and time you share with her are a few of her favorite things in the world!

With good intentions,
Jess

June 8, 2009

dear jessica,

What do you feel is the best approach to take when the in- laws are over-stepping boundaries and/or crowding you and your family too much.

Contemplating in California

Dear Contemplating,

The best way to avoid in-laws is to not get married, but since you've clearly done that already, I'll give you plan B.

I think that the best thing you can do is start by having a conversation with your spouse about this. Let him/her know that you feel like his/her family is overstepping their bounds and tell him/her why you feel that way. Ask your spouse to give honest feedback and support their opinion with why they do or do not agree. Also really try to evaluate your in-laws' intentions on their invasion. Is it because they are controlling and need to have their hands in everything or could it be because they really care and want to be a big part of your life. Hopefully you and your spouse can agree on what you feel is reasonable and what is unreasonable in regards to the in-laws (and let's include your parents/family, too, as your spouse might feel they invade some of your space and time as well).

After you've had this conversation, it would be really beneficial to talk to the in-laws (whether that is both of you together or just the spouse whose parents they are) and let them know that while you want them to be part of your life, you need a little more space. Let them know what habits are not appropriate and what things are okay. Identify the boundaries. Be sure to intentionally include them in your life at times so that they know this is not a way for you to phase them out of your life, but just a way for you and your spouse to appropriately "leave and cleave." You don't want to let this go as it will just build and cause more frustration and possibly even tension between you and your spouse.

I realize that sometimes, people can be unreasonable and if this is the case, maybe it's time to relocate so that the in-laws can't just pop over and invade your space.

Without in-laws,
jessica

PS: Some thoughts to consider for my readers:

One thing for young, married couples to consider if you are feeling this same way: it's likely that you are wanting to feel independent and figure everything out on your own but your parents and your spouse's parents have "been there done that" and it's likely that they have valuable advice and thoughts regarding things you are going through. While it is absolutely imperative that you and your spouse become your own family, there is nothing wrong with getting advice and help from older and wiser people, aka: parents.

And parents, step back and evaluate how you might rate as an "in-law" - make sure you know your boundaries. If you aren't sure if you should say something or do something, think about your own in-laws and decide if you would have wanted them to do or say whatever it is your thinking about to you. As hard as I'm sure it is, your "kids" grow up and get married and raise their kids, just like you did. They need to be their own family and learn things for themselves. Hopefully, they remain humble and will come to you for advice when they need it. Be patient. And maybe even have the courage to ask your kids if there is anything you do that oversteps boundaries at times.

June 4, 2009

dear jessica,

What is your thought on marrying young (i.e. teens or early 20's) versus marrying older. Do you think there is any difference, does it matter? Pro's/Con's??? Just wondering your thoughts...

signed,
wondering in winnamucka

Dear Wondering,

I think for each couple the answer is different. I know people who have found the love of their lives at a young age and have a very successful marriage, and the same of people who have waited until they are older.

I think there are just a few things to consider, though, should you be contemplating marriage at a young age. The first thing is: Are you emotionally ready to make that type of commitment? Marriage is a life long commitment and some people are not ready to make that sort of commitment until they are older. Those who marry young should realize that there is a good chance they will both change a bit as they get older and are exposed to new situations, events, and circumstances in their life. They have to be willing to love their spouse and be "all in" in the relationship no matter what happens. There is definitely an element of "settling down" when you get married, even if you don't have kids yet. Your spouse becomes your priority over friends, their needs become more important than your own, their problems are also yours as you should be able to provide that emotional support to your spouse.... and some young adults are not ready for that yet. So I think the first thing when considering marriage at a young age is whether or not you're emotionally ready for that kind of commitment and responsibility.

The second thing to consider, that kind of ties into the former, is do you really know who YOU are enough to know what you want in a spouse? Looking back on my own life, I have changed so much since I was 19 and 20 years old. I have experienced so many things, changed some of my opinions and values and have totally different perspectives on certain things. Some of the characteristics of what I wanted in a spouse then is not what I'd want now. This doesn't mean that a couple can't change and grow together, but be mindful that there is the possibility of growing in different directions and value changing (not an excuse for divorce btw). Also, there are lots of things in life that are just easier to experience single: traveling, moving and trying new cities, going to college, etc. It can be done while you are married, but it's a lot easier if you are single.

There are positive things about getting married young, too... you have someone to share the adventure of figuring life out with you, you get to avoid the annoying dating scene that most 20 somethings go through, you don't have to stress about being single forever or that all the good guys are taken, if you have kids young you will be "young" parents and can do activities with your kids for more of their lives because you aren't already "old" (I use that term loosely). And frankly, some people just meet that person and know they are supposed to be together. They know that they don't want to spend another day without them in their lives so if that means getting married young, then get married young.

Obviously the advantages to getting married older would be the opposites of the above points (more emotionally ready and knowing yourself better so that you know what you want in a spouse). Some disadvantages to getting married older are you tend to get more set in your ways, you get pickier, you are more likely to not want to move from your community to be with someone b/c of a job you might have, you are more likely to end up with someone who has either been married or in a very serious relationship before (not that it's bad... don't get me wrong. You just aren't likely to find someone who has no baggage at all), and women... let's face it... our biological clock's are ticking.

So back to my first thought: it depends on each couple... some marry young and it works and others marry young and it doesn't work. Some marry older and it works, and others marry older and it doesn't. The important thing is to take the decision very seriously.

With careful consideration,
jessica

June 1, 2009

dear jessica,

What are your thoughts on divorce... do you think people give up too easily these days? Are there Biblical grounds for divorce other than marital unfaithfulness? What about spousal abuse?

Signed, Pondering in Pennsylvania

Dear Pondering,

I definitely think there are some people who give up on their marriage too easily these days. I think the problem lies with people thinking from the beginning that divorce is an option if they fall out of love. A marriage commitment is one to take seriously and one of the most important decisions of one's life. It goes without saying that you are going to have hard times, differences of opinions, and things to work through. Also, people change... maybe not in big ways, but things happen in the course of your life that causes you to grow, change, think differently, etc and you have to go in to marriage knowing that people are not going to be exactly the same as they were on your wedding day. You just have to find a way to grow together, listen, and communicate... and the biggest thing... always put your spouse before yourself. If you are putting their needs before your own (and they are doing the same) you should be able to work through anything. And another thing... no close friends of the opposite sex... mutual friends, yes. But seriously people, you can't have close friends of the opposite sex...

Besides marital unfaithfulness, I also believe a Biblical grounds for divorce is if your unbelieving spouse leaves you. And in regards to abuse... this is my own opinion and I don't have a verse to substantiate this, but I think if you are being abused (physically, sexually, emotionally, mentally) then you can leave. At that point it's dangerous to be in the situation and especially if you have kids involved... no good.

with perseverance,
jessica

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dear jessica,

What is a good way to approach confronting a family member? Especially when you'll see that family member(s) often...

Confused by confrontation in Connecticut

Dear Confused,

First, really evaluate your motive for wanting to confront the person. Then, I honestly think a mature, adult conversation is the best way to handle this. Call them up (or if you are comfortable emailing... no texing) and ask them if you can meet for coffee, dinner, a walk, etc. And as hard as confrontation is sometimes, you gotta just bite the bullet and address the elephant in the room. Once you get together, bring up what is on your mind... be nice about it... if your motive is genuinely pure, your concern for them or the situation should show through. If it is something that the family member will need help with, offer to help or be willing to find help if you can't be that person. And be willing to listen to feedback... maybe you have a part in this and you have something to work on to. Be humble. If this is an issue you have to agree to disagree on, then be willing to set aside your differences when you are at family functions and avoid that issue. If the issue comes up, be the bigger person and bite your tongue or excuse yourself and leave the room. Life is too short to live at odds with family. You may not always agree with them, but they are still family and it's important to always support the person, even if you don't support their decisions. Sometimes there is nothing you can do about a family member who refuses to be civil and in those situations, once you've done all you can, just be nice and enjoy the company of everyone else.
Hope this answers your question...

peacefully yours,
jessica

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dear jessica,

What should I do about being friends with someone who I really like, but they want more out of the friendship than I do? I'm content with an occasional phone call and email, but every time we talk, she wants to meet for a meal or movie or some such thing. I should mention we are both girls, so it's not like a guy/girl problem.

signed, 30%

Dear 30%,

This is a tough situation to be in... I've been there. I think you can let this person know that while you really enjoy the friendship, you don't have as much time as she does to go out. Give her a realistic idea of how much time during the week or month you can actually spend outside the duties of your work, family, and household. Let her know that you still want to keep in touch by phone and email because while you may not have a few hours in your day to spend with her, there are times where you are busy doing something but can still chat on the phone (like cooking dinner, etc)... I think if you really like this person it's important to make time for the occasional meal or movie. Or maybe, you can invite her along to chat while you're waiting for your kids at soccer practice. Or let her know that you have a few errands to run, but she can ride along so you can "catch up." If you aren't honest with her, though, you will become frustrated each time she contacts you and that is just no good for anyone.

Been there,

jessica