July 18, 2009

dear jessica,

I'm 15. Last weekend, me and three of girlfriends snuck out of my house at a sleepover at 1 am. A cop saw us in a park and brought us home because it was past curfew. We weren't doing anything wrong. Now, my mom plans to tell all my friends moms, even though nothing happened bad. I don't see why. One of my friends already has a lot of trouble in her family, and she doesn't need more! Why would my mom want to add to the drama? She is so lame. How can I convince her to drop it?

Signed, Can't wait until I'm 18.

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Dear Can't wait to be 18,

In life, when we make decisions there are consequences. There is nothing good that can happen at a park at 1:00 am for four 15 year old girls. And if you and your three friends hadn't made the decision to sneak out of the house at such a late hour of the night, then you would not be facing the consequences you are now dealing with; and neither would your friends.

As hard as it might be to understand right now, the reason your mom is going to tell your friends' parents is because she is concerned about you, your friends and your lack of judgment. And your friends' parents have a right to know what their kids are doing and the types of decisions they are making. If I was the parent of one of your friends and my daughter snuck out and then got returned home by a cop at 1:00 am, I would be very upset if your mother didn't tell me.

Having said that, what kind of drama is your friend currently facing in her home? Is she making poor decisions and constantly facing consequences (and now this park situation is just another situation)? Or is there something more serious going on that is putting your friend in danger and/or in an abusive situation. If it's the latter, then you need to talk to a trusted adult about your friend's safety. If the drama is because of your friend's poor decisions then your friend is experiencing the consequences of making bad decisions.

Or is there a lot of drama that has nothing to do with her (ie: parents divorcing, sibling in lots of trouble, family facing financial problems, etc)? If that is the case, maybe you need to sit down with your friend and a school counselor, church leader, or another adult you trust and help your friend figure out how she can contribute to her family in a positive way, rather than contributing to the problems that her parents are already having to deal with.

Clearly you desire to be considered an adult (you signed yourself "can't wait to be 18") - this is your opportunity to act like an adult. You made an adult decision and now it's time to handle the consequences like an adult. And whatever the case may be with your friend, I recommend you talk to your mom about your concerns regarding your friend- with a good attitude and open mind to whatever feedback your mom has. As hard as it is to accept at your age (I've been where you are), parents really do have a better idea of what is best for you than you do. They were 15 once, too. And I'd be willing to bet your mom has made similar decisions as you did. I'm a big fan of heart to heart talks.

And I'd encourage you to think through all your decisions and consider the possible consequences in the future (whether its a decision to sneak out, go to college, get a job, have sex, drink alcohol etc). If there are consequences you are unwilling to accept then maybe you need to re-think your decision.

(And if you know me personally, I'd be willing to talk more about this in depth, but I honestly have no idea who you are... or feel free to email me at the email address in the column to your right).

Wanting the best for you,

jessica

July 6, 2009

dear jessica,

My husband I and have strong opinions about animal rights. We agree that zoos are inhumane and everyone knows how we feel. We're pretty vocal.

Recently, my parents picked up our four year old for an outing. They most definitely know how we feel. They brought our son to the ZOO without telling us first. When they returned, they brushed it off like it was nothing. We are horrified for our son to have seen the animals in this situation, and feel it might affect him.

My parents think we are being rediculous, but we have told them they can't take him anymore unless they tell us exactly where they plan to bring him and we approve.We are at a hurdle. We're close to telling them they can't take him at all since they don't respect our beliefs. Who's right and who's wrong here?

Sign me, Animal Lover in the MidWest

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Dear Animal Lover,

I try to keep my personal opinion out of secondary issues in these responses, but I feel like I need to address the Animal Rights issue as well as the issue of you feeling as though your parents overstepped their bounds.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am not a fan of animals. I don't like the hair everywhere, the smells, or the responsibility. Having said that, like you, I do not wish harm upon them. I think they should be treated kindly and we should not go out of our way to hurt them. I, too, have given some thought to animals living in zoo's and how in many ways, it doesn't seem right (some people might be surprised to know I have thought of that).

While, yes, zoos house animals outside their natural environment, after much thought I can't figure out how, in theory, they are inhumane. I realize that not every zoo treats the animals the same as another, but for the most part zoos have really done a good job of trying to make the habitat most like their natural one, feed them food that they need, and in some cases, even let the hunting animals hunt. And something that many people don't think about is that dogs, cats, fish and any other "pets" you might have at home are also out of their natural habitat. Yes, they have been domesticated but your living room or backyard is not your dog's natural habitat. I would be willing to bet that most animals in zoos were born in captivity (like your dog) and that is all they know. So long as the animals are not being intentionally hurt, they are probably okay and content. If you are against keeping animals captive in a zoo (even though they are treated as well as possible in their environment) then you'd have to be against household pets too.

You said you feel your son might somehow be affected by going to a zoo. I think the only way a 4 year old would be affected by going to the zoo is that he gets to learn about and see animals that he otherwise would never be able to see if he had to travel to Africa, India, China, etc to see each of them.

In regards to your parents taking your son to the zoo... I agree that, knowing your values, they should have discussed it with you. If I had to guess (and I could be wrong) I'd guess that because this is a strong belief you have, you are unwilling to hear any legitimate reasons as to why your parents feel it is okay to take your son to the zoo so they decided to just take him without your permission. I think it's time to sit down and discuss this with your parents. Restricting time with, demanding an itemeized schedule or cutting out loving grandparents from your child's life over something like animal rights, in my opinion (which you asked for) is foolish, ridiculous, and an overreaction. It's important that you and your spouse have an open discussion with your parents and that everyone is honest with each other, listens to each other, and remains open minded.

I think another way to approach this situation in which everyone wins is to take your frustration or disgust over zoos and do something positive about it. I know someone who knows someone who became a vegan. She did this because she saw a video about how cows are treated poorly at slaughter houses and decided right then that she was going to stop eating any animal products because of how some are treated. I think this is an ignorant response to a real problem. If she truly wanted to make a difference, refusing to eating animal products (which she enjoyed before the video) is not the answer. She should have decided to only eat animal products from organic growers - from farmers who raised their animals in a humane way and do not treat them poorly. She would not only be "boycotting" farms that mistreat animals, she would be supporting and promoting farms where animals are treated the way they should be treated.

If you truly feel zoos are inhumane, maybe you should go to a few zoos and see how their animals are treated. Ask questions, see what they do with their money, how they feed the animals, what they do to make the environment most like their "natural" habitat. Then, when you find a zoo who treats the animals well, support it. Give them donations to help them keep up the good environment. Take your son to the zoo and teach him about all the different animals. Tell him about how well they treat the animals there and why it's important to treat animals well.

Finally, if you feel that animals have as much innate value and worth as human beings, disregard everything I just said. I can't relate or help =)

With respect,

Jessica