January 24, 2010

Dear Jessica,

I moved away this fall to go to college in another state. I'm loving it and making lots of cool friends. Here's the problem. . . one of my really good friends from my home town has been annoying me on Facebook lately. There have been a few things that have irked me, but the kicker is when he started "friending" some of my college friends that he's never even met and then leaving comments on their page asking how I've been and what I'm up to! (why my college friends agreed to be friends is a whole other question!) Me and him are really good friends and until this, I was actually kind of interested in him, but now I just feel like he's smothering me. I don't have anything to hide, but I feel like if I tell him that I don't want him being facebook friends with my new friends, he'll think I do. Breaking off the friendship isn't an option (our parents are really good friends and I will definitely see him whenever I go home for breaks) and I wouldn't do it even if it was. He's a really good friend, but he just doesn't seem to know what's cool and not cool when it comes to Facebook.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who's had to deal with this, but I don't know how to handle it. Am I crazy for finding this intrusive?

from, the Frustrated Facebook Friend

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Dear Frustrated FB Friend,

First off, congrats on your first year of college and good luck in your studies! College life is super fun and I hope you enjoy it immensely (don't party too much!!)

You are in a very tough spot here. You are experiencing something new and exciting, while your friend has remained “home” and probably living a very similar life that he has always lived. he could possibly be a bit jealous that you are off doing new things and he is not, hence the FB stalking to see what you are up to. I have a few thoughts about this situation; both regarding the friendship and distance and the facebook situation.

First, try and understand that he is possibly a bit jealous that you are off doing new things and he is not. When you are good friends with someone, it is always hard when your friend “moves on” and you do not (whether it is by choice or circumstance). It’s only natural that he wants to know how you are doing and what you are up to. If this friendship is worth keeping, which is sounds like it is based on your past and through the connection of your families being close friends (and the fact that you have been kind of interested in him hehe), try and be sensitive to the fact that he cares about you and wants to remain connected, despite the temporary distance.

On the other hand, he needs to understand that you are busy with classes, homework, new friends, and other college life stuff and naturally, you don’t have the same amount of time for him as you did before you went off to college. It might make you both feel better if you try and set up weekly or bi-weekly “dates” to chat on the phone or use Facebook’s instant message to “catch up.” (And once in a while, surprise him with an unexpected phone call or FB wall post/message. This will let him know that you are thinking about him and it will probably mean a lot to him!) Let him know that you really value his friendship and want to keep in touch, but you are busy and don’t have time every day (or every week) to respond to all of his FB posts or messages to you etc.

One time, when I made a move (I moved out of state from CA to MN), I had to tell give one of my friends a breakdown of my schedule so that she could understand why I didn’t always have time to talk or respond to emails. This really helped her understand why I wasn't able to chat all the time and it made a big difference in our friendship because I helped her have realistic expectations about how much I was able to talk.

And as a side bar, and maybe something you want to pass on to him, sometimes, when you tell someone you are busy and can’t chat, it’s because you are sitting on your butt recovering from the school week, homework, or life in general, and just want some time to vege out, which is totally legit! Or bring up that just because someone sees you updated your status on facebook recently doesn't mean that you have time to respond your inbox messages, wall posts, or status comments; let's face it, we make a point to update our statuses as we are on our way out the door to our next class, before we make dinner, or before we take a nap etc.

As far as your friend adding your college friends and then asking how you are doing goes... that is not cool, kind of rude, and frankly, kind of creepy-stalker like. My suggestion would be to either ask him to stop (which would be the "to the point" route) or honestly, try not to let it bother you. If your friends have a problem with him adding them they should just invoke their right to ignore his friend request. Some people, on the other hand, add everyone that requests a 'friend add' (and like you, I don't know why people do this... I don't like having to many "friends" and I even go through and delete people I don't talk to often!) So I guess there is probably not much you can do about him added your friends unless you confront him. Which sucks, I know.

Finally, one last suggestion would be to invite him to take a road trip to come and see you with a few of your other, mutual friends who are still in your home town. Could be fun! And he'd get to see how busy you are!

Good luck with this situation! I know, first hand, how challenging it is to move and have friends left behind at home that think things will remain the same. The fact of the matter is that people move, do different things, and your paths fork out from each other. And while you can remain friends, and even close friends, it's totally normal for the amount of time you are in touch or see each other to change.

I'm always a big fan of confronting the situation, so if the subtle or deliberate attempts to foster communication in a way that can meet expectations for both of you doesn't work, then maybe you just need to tell him what you've told me!

Empathetically,
Jessica