August 16, 2009

dear jessica,

I have a roommate. She is 26 years old (so six years older than me). We met at our previous jobs and became really good friends. I had another roommate that was moving out and so we decided that it would be fun for her to move in. She is a really great person, lots of fun to be with, but we share different beliefs. She is not a Christian. We have lived together for over a year now and while sometimes I absolutely love it, lately it's been horrible. You see she plays an online computer game called World of Warcraft (WOW). She originally played it when she moved in and then quit after a while due to lack of interest. We practically did everything together and we always have fun. But this last June I went on a 10-day trip. When I came back she had started to play the game again-only this time she started from scratch. Needless to say she is highly addicted to it and sometimes never comes out except to go to the bathroom and grab food. She gets crabby when I talk to her because she is either tired from staying up late playing the game or she is in the middle of playing the game and has to get back to it. I really struggle with it because of how much we used to hang out and now I feel thrown to the wayside. She also tends to neglect house chores or just simply does not care to do them....because she is so caught up in the game (as I see it). I get so upset sometimes at living with someone who just ignores me so much, but then I feel guilty because I feel selfish. I know she has a very different worldview than I and I try to have patience with her but sometimes I get so hurt. I guess I come from the perspective of doing things for other people because I care about them and that I try to respect the other person as much as possible. I am afraid I going to start getting bitter (I have started calling her selfish and lazy in my head) and not be able to heal from being hurt. I have tried to talk to her several times about how much this is bad for and how much I miss hanging out with her and how she needs to do her part in the apartment. Sometimes the discussion ends with me feeling guilty because she says it's her life and that I am being too co-dependant. Sometimes she breaks down crying and starts hugging me saying she knows she is treating me horribly and that she wants to change. She says these things and sometimes I see things that indicates she wants to change, but then it seems like a week later it doesn't really matter. Our most recent fight/ discussion/ cry fest was this last weekend. I decided, though, during the fight portion that I wanted to move out. That I could not handle living like this. I had even told a couple of my friends that I was ready to move out. Then we had a heart to heart and a cry fest. Well now I am just so afraid that things are going to go back to the way they were before. I want to be selfless and be there for her and continue to be her friend. Yet at the same time I want to protect myself and not feel hurt. I wish I could have it both ways but I just don't see how. I think that if I moved out I would feel like I was abandoning her and that I would be a bad example of Christ or that it's just selfish of me to move out. On the other hand I think that I deserve to live with someone who cares more about me than a stupid computer game. I just have no idea how to feel or what to do! I am sooo confused. If you have any advice for me I would really really appreciate it.

Signed, Replaced by a Computer Game.

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Dear Replaced,

My initial thoughts are this (and I will expand in the following paragraphs): Your being frustrated and having the desire to want to move out isn't being selfish or unChrist-like so try not to feel too guilty. You just have certain expectations about what you want in a roommate. You are young and should be able to have a roommate who wants to hang out with you occasionally and who is mutually involved in taking care of the apartment and if that expectation is not being met, you have no obligation to stay (besides an possible obligation to fulfill a lease?).

I can totally see your frustration in the situation... I would be as equally irritated. I honestly don't think you are being selfish at all. I think that, especially when you are young and unmarried, part of having a roommate is having someone to hang out with and have fun with. Obviously it doesn't have to be 100% of the time, but it's reasonable to want a roommate who you are also friends with and hang out with occasionally (or hang out with fairly often in some cases). When their interests are becoming totally different than your own, then they are no longer meeting the expectations you had of that relationship when you initially chose them as a roommate.

The first thing I would suggest you do is figure out if you want to make a few more attempts at making this roommate relationship work or if you feel like you've already made those attempts and you are ready to take the next step. If you do want to attempt to make it work, I would recommend that you suggest things to do with your roommate so she has an option of something to do besides WOW (I am assuming you already do this). Suggest places to go, making dinner, renting a movie, etc. It will become pretty clear if she is just unwilling to do anything besides WOW.

If you decided you want to find a new living situation then there is nothing wrong with that. And frankly, you might be happier. If you want, before you look for a new living situation, you could maybe sit down with current roommate and have a [final] heart-to-heart and say "look, I am not opposed to you playing WOW. That is your decision and if that is how you want to choose to spend your free time that is fine. I, however, prefer more engaging and interactive friendships and hobbies. If this hobby is something you are going to be spending most of your free time on for a while then I would like to find a new roommate and/or a new place to live. This doesn't mean we can't be friends; I certainly want to hang out still, but I really want a roommate who has similar interests as me and who is more engaged in the roommate relationship and upkeep of the apartment."

She might say she will "change" - and if you are willing (decide this before you have this convo) then give her a chance (maybe a few weeks or month). Be sure to tell her you are not trying to change her and if she wants to play WOW then that is fine, but you are just not willing to live with someone who plays it as much as she does. If she feels like you are trying to change her (even though you aren't), she might start to resent you, which is obviously not something you want so that is why it's good to emphasize that if she wants to keep playing that is okay, but things will just have to change.

And don't feel selfish for being frustrated. Its hard to suddenly be ignored and to be put to the side, especially when you are being replaced by something like a video game. And again, you deserve to be in a living situation that you like and enjoy... you are young; having fun and living with roommates who have similar interests is kind of what life is about when you are 20!!!

Empathetically,

Jessica

July 18, 2009

dear jessica,

I'm 15. Last weekend, me and three of girlfriends snuck out of my house at a sleepover at 1 am. A cop saw us in a park and brought us home because it was past curfew. We weren't doing anything wrong. Now, my mom plans to tell all my friends moms, even though nothing happened bad. I don't see why. One of my friends already has a lot of trouble in her family, and she doesn't need more! Why would my mom want to add to the drama? She is so lame. How can I convince her to drop it?

Signed, Can't wait until I'm 18.

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Dear Can't wait to be 18,

In life, when we make decisions there are consequences. There is nothing good that can happen at a park at 1:00 am for four 15 year old girls. And if you and your three friends hadn't made the decision to sneak out of the house at such a late hour of the night, then you would not be facing the consequences you are now dealing with; and neither would your friends.

As hard as it might be to understand right now, the reason your mom is going to tell your friends' parents is because she is concerned about you, your friends and your lack of judgment. And your friends' parents have a right to know what their kids are doing and the types of decisions they are making. If I was the parent of one of your friends and my daughter snuck out and then got returned home by a cop at 1:00 am, I would be very upset if your mother didn't tell me.

Having said that, what kind of drama is your friend currently facing in her home? Is she making poor decisions and constantly facing consequences (and now this park situation is just another situation)? Or is there something more serious going on that is putting your friend in danger and/or in an abusive situation. If it's the latter, then you need to talk to a trusted adult about your friend's safety. If the drama is because of your friend's poor decisions then your friend is experiencing the consequences of making bad decisions.

Or is there a lot of drama that has nothing to do with her (ie: parents divorcing, sibling in lots of trouble, family facing financial problems, etc)? If that is the case, maybe you need to sit down with your friend and a school counselor, church leader, or another adult you trust and help your friend figure out how she can contribute to her family in a positive way, rather than contributing to the problems that her parents are already having to deal with.

Clearly you desire to be considered an adult (you signed yourself "can't wait to be 18") - this is your opportunity to act like an adult. You made an adult decision and now it's time to handle the consequences like an adult. And whatever the case may be with your friend, I recommend you talk to your mom about your concerns regarding your friend- with a good attitude and open mind to whatever feedback your mom has. As hard as it is to accept at your age (I've been where you are), parents really do have a better idea of what is best for you than you do. They were 15 once, too. And I'd be willing to bet your mom has made similar decisions as you did. I'm a big fan of heart to heart talks.

And I'd encourage you to think through all your decisions and consider the possible consequences in the future (whether its a decision to sneak out, go to college, get a job, have sex, drink alcohol etc). If there are consequences you are unwilling to accept then maybe you need to re-think your decision.

(And if you know me personally, I'd be willing to talk more about this in depth, but I honestly have no idea who you are... or feel free to email me at the email address in the column to your right).

Wanting the best for you,

jessica

June 23, 2009

dear jessica,

My husband and I can't agree on something. I want my 4 and 6 year old kids to stay young and innocent. I let them watch Disney and things like that for kids. He likes to let them stay up and watch movies that I think are TMI. Like PG13 and even some R. HELP! How can I protect my kids without getting into a knock down screaming fight with their dad?

Wanting peace and innocence in Iowa

*****
dear wanting,

It sounds to me like you and your husband need to have a good chat about this. I think at some point, when you two are alone and there are no distractions and you are both in a decent mood you need need to bring this topic up. Explain why you feel these PG-13 and R movies are inappropriate and ask him to explain why he thinks they are appropriate for your 4 and 6 year olds to watch... and make sure you listen.

Some other things to consider... are your kids watching these movies with you and your husband or are they watching them by themselves or as a way to keep them occupied while you and/or dad are doing something else? I don't think there are many PG-13 and R rated movies that are appropriate for young kids to watch, but at the same time, there might be some that, if you watched as a family and paused the movies to discuss along the way, it could be a good learning opportunity. Since I don't have kids, I don't ever filter movies through the eyes of a child so I can't even think of any examples of appropriate PG-13 and R movies at this point.

There is also a difference in movies rated PG-13 and R for sexual content, swearing, drug use and crude humor, and movies that are rated that way because of war scenes or action. So what is the content of these movies?

I agree that it's important to keep your kids innocent and there are many things in life they don't need to know until they are older, but at the same time, kids will be exposed to stuff through TV, media, other kids, school etc that you can't avoid. Maybe you and your husband can compromise and find movies that could offer some degree of education (like a movie about an event in history)... as I mentioned previously, maybe you can discuss the movie and see if the kids have questions, pausing the movie as you watching it to talk.

To avoid the knock down screaming fight try to plan what movie you are going to watch in advance so the decision can be discussed rather than you and your husband having two different opinions in the moment that you are about to watch the movie.

And frankly, another thing to consider is what movies do your kids like best? Are they more entertained by kid movies? They might like those better!

Finally, maybe it's time to bust out the board games and add a new dimension to family night. You mentioned your husband likes to let them stay up late sometimes to watch these movies... what about family game and popcorn night? It fosters communication and family bonding and is probably a more constructive way to spend the evening anyway!

Any readers have any additional thoughts? I don't have kids so I can't speak from experience.

Not from experience on this one,
jessica

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Dear Jessica,

I am in desperate need of help. Myself and my daughter continue to get really, oh how do I put this nicely, hideous gifts from my husband's grandma. I usually accept them graciously with a smile on my face and they end up being donated to a charity or going in the garage sale box. But how would you recommend accepting them? Would it be ok for me to decline accepting them?

Sincerely,

Gift Madness

*****

Dear Gift Madness,

This is definitely a tough situation and one I think that everyone can relate to. I honestly think that what you are doing- accepting them graciously and then either donating or selling at a garage sale at a later date- is perfect... well, as long as grandma doesn't come to your garage sale!

I think there are times when it is appropriate to make an extra effort though depending on what the gift is. For example, if Great Aunt Gertrude knits you a sweater, wear it to the next family dinner. It would make her feel really special and it takes little effort on your part. Everyone else would know why you are wearing it, too, so it could be kind of funny to reminisce about when Great Aunt Gertrude isn't around.

I would advise to always graciously accept gifts. When someone gives you something, they typically are good intentioned and as cheesy at it sounds, "it's the thought that counts." For me personally, it means that someone was thinking about me when we weren't together and I think that is kind of neat.

Oh and if someone includes the receipt, by all means, exchange it. That is what they included it for!

Graciously,

Jessica

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dear jessica,

When I finished university, a friend got me a great job with her small family firm. Unfortunately, her mother-in-law didn't not approve of the hire, and now she is making life miserable for me. I think I'm doing my job well, but I never get approval from her. She can't seem to even be civil with me. I'm thinking of quitting and looking for a different position, but my friend assures me she'll eventually come around. I feel like I'm right in the middle of their issue. How long should I give it? Any suggestions for winning the mother-in-law's approval?

Can't catch a break, in Cleveland

*****

dear Can't Catch a Break,

My first reaction is wondering why the friend is allowed to hire if the mother-in-law clearly doesn't trust her decisions. I also wonder if this is a problem between your friend and her mother-in-law (MIL) as you alluded to or if the MIL really has a problem with you.

I am assuming the MIL is either owner of the business or at least has lots of say in what goes on and I honestly think the best way to approach this is to chat with the MIL. Not to ask her what her deal is, but just say something like, "Since you are the owner/manager, what you think of my job performance is important to me. I'd like to schedule some time with you if you don't mind and get some feed back on my performance." This will show her that a) you care about the family business and b) you want to do the best you can and c) you are not what her assumptions of you have been to this point. And continue to work hard!

I also recommend that you continue to "kill her with kindness" - I don't mean kiss butt, no one likes a butt kiss, especially if they don't approve of you yet - but just smile genuinely when you see her, ask her how her day is going and pause to listen (even if she is just going to say "fine" and walk away), make good eye contact with her, and show her that you are loyal to the business (only you know what that looks like since you work there).

If you feel like you are getting nowhere and have tried to get feedback and have conversations with her with no success, maybe it is time to look for a new job. But look silently and try not to tell your friend until you find one. In this economy it might be hard to find a new job so keep pursuing a future at your current one until something is set in stone.

A personal experience. One time I was working retail and I felt like my manger didn't like me at all. She kind of "picked on me" and got mad at me for really dumb things. One day when it was just the two of us, I stopped what I was doing, turned and looked at her, and said, "Am I doing something wrong? I feel like you get frustrated with me a lot and over little things?" She was a little caught off guard but said she liked me and how I worked and didn't realize she was coming across that way. After that our working relationship was great. Sometimes confrontation (not rude, but honest) is the way to go!

Empathetically,

Jessica

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dear jessica,

I want to lose some weight. I try to be healthy, and exercise often, but I feel as though I often cannot help but eat badly. I feel like I could ask my spouse to help, but do not find it fair to ask them to take responsibility for my eating splurges. Do you have any advice?

Feeling Fat in Frankfurt

*****

dear Feeling Fat,

It's great that you try to be healthy and exercise! You are already a step ahead of most of America.

I think that it's absolutely okay to ask for help and accountability from your husband. You aren't asking him to take responsibility for your eating splurges, you are asking him to support you with a lifestyle change you want to make. And lets face it, this will benefit him as well as you will have more confidence, your longevity should increase, and you will have more energy to do things with him.

While many people can eat healthy and maintain a daily exercise routine on their own, there are also lots of people (like myself) who like to have a buddy to do those things with. It helps to keep you motivated and accountable.

Eating healthy is definitely intentional though. Maybe together you and your husband can find recipes for healthy dinners you like or keep healthier snacks in the house. I am not talking about making salads for dinner and only having carrots in the house to snack on. But there are definitely healthier alternatives to foods that we like to eat. Example: use ground turkey instead of ground beef. Buy baked chips instead of regular... stuff like that.

A few other suggestions. Don't grocery shop when you are hungry. If you buy snack foods get the kind that scome in individual portion sizes. Write down what you eat everyday. DON'T weigh yourself everyday. Drink a big glass of water before meals. Don't deny yourself of things you love, just have them in moderation. Forgive yourself if you feel you made a mistake. Don't consider the rest of the day "ruined" because you "blew it" at breakfast or lunch.

Consider joining something like Weight Watchers. I know many people, including myself, who have used that program and been very successful. They don't tell you that there are certain foods that you can't eat; they help you make better choices and help you with portions. They provide accountability because you weigh in every week, they offer suggestions and recipes and tips at the weekly meetings, and they simply teach you how to make that lifestyle change in a realistic way.

But back to your main question... it's definitely okay to ask your husband for support. He probably would want to know this is something you are struggling with. Tell him how you'd like him to help you (like going for walks together, making healthy dinner menus together, being strong enought to keep driving past DQ when you aren't, etc) and what his help doesn't look like (like saying things like "do you really want to eat that?" or "I thought you were trying to eat better?"). Your spouse will probably be your biggest fan and happy to help you anyway he can!

With Understanding,

Jessica

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READERS: Clearly I was behind on answering questions. Sorry about that... life has been busy. Please feel free to comment and say why you agree or disagree. Also, add comments and suggestions! I obviously don't have all the answers and you just might have something valuable to add! I will still have to "approve comments" so that I can leave comment moderation on, but unless it's a question for me, I will approve all comments in response to these questions!

Oh and please excuse the typos and poor grammar. It's late =)

Cherrio

June 17, 2009

dear jessica,

My best friend has bad breath. All the time. Like something crawled in the back of her throat and died. I'm not joking. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but someone has to tell her. How would you do it?

just wanting to breath in the northern hemisphere

*****

dear wanting to breath,

This is always a very hard situation to be in. I would first try to think about how you would want your best friend to tell you if the situation was reversed.

You asked how I would tell them? Well, what I would do is just be honest and upfront. That is what I would want done for me. Since they are your best friend, they should know that you are telling them because you are genuinely concerned.

Just pull her aside one day and tell her that you've noticed she's had some bad breath lately and thought she'd want to know. Maybe try to figure out what could be causing it... does she eat a lot of garlic? Some people are really susceptible to garlic breath. Does she need to increase the number of times per day she brushes her teeth? Does she see the dentist regularly. And honestly, some people have chronic bad breath and that could be the case too.

Whatever the reason, let her know that since you notice, other people probably do too. Make it fun and maybe ask her if she wants to make a special sign to let her know if she has bad breath and then she knows to pop in some gum or a mint. Be sure to let her know that you are not immune from bad breath either so the special sign works both ways!

I really think that if you approach this honestly, openly, and with good intentions she will be receptive.

Have a minty fresh day!

Jessica

***AGREE??? DISAGREE??? HAVE SOME INPUT??? LEAVE A COMMENT****

June 5, 2009

dear jessica,

i'm not a prude or anything, but it really bothers me when someone says god-d*** or jesus *****. Should I say anything to my friends or just let it play out?

Wincing in Wisconsin

Dear Wincing,

If it is your friends who are saying god-d*** and/or Jesus ***** then I would recommend letting them know, maybe at a time that they have not recently said it, that those two phrases bother you. Ask them if they would mind trying not to say it around you. Let them know that you cast no judgement, but that you just don't really like it. If they are a real friend, they will understand. Be sure to let them know that you appreciate their friendship and that you'd hope if you ever do or say anything that bothers them that they'd feel comfortable to tell you.

If it is not a close friend, I would just let it go. Although you clearly know this person (or people) better than I would and maybe there will be a moment when it's appropriate to address the situation in private - especially if you spend a significant amount of time with this person or people.

There are going to be times in life when people say things that are offensive and unfortunately, we sometimes just have to let things go. The best thing you can do is show love and kindness to those who offend you; and most of the time your love and kindness will be noticed... maybe not right away, but people tend to catch on to those who swear and those who don't and quite often, if someone notices you don't use the same words they do, they cut back on using them when you are around.

Seasoned with salt,

jessica

June 1, 2009

dear jessica,

What are your thoughts on divorce... do you think people give up too easily these days? Are there Biblical grounds for divorce other than marital unfaithfulness? What about spousal abuse?

Signed, Pondering in Pennsylvania

Dear Pondering,

I definitely think there are some people who give up on their marriage too easily these days. I think the problem lies with people thinking from the beginning that divorce is an option if they fall out of love. A marriage commitment is one to take seriously and one of the most important decisions of one's life. It goes without saying that you are going to have hard times, differences of opinions, and things to work through. Also, people change... maybe not in big ways, but things happen in the course of your life that causes you to grow, change, think differently, etc and you have to go in to marriage knowing that people are not going to be exactly the same as they were on your wedding day. You just have to find a way to grow together, listen, and communicate... and the biggest thing... always put your spouse before yourself. If you are putting their needs before your own (and they are doing the same) you should be able to work through anything. And another thing... no close friends of the opposite sex... mutual friends, yes. But seriously people, you can't have close friends of the opposite sex...

Besides marital unfaithfulness, I also believe a Biblical grounds for divorce is if your unbelieving spouse leaves you. And in regards to abuse... this is my own opinion and I don't have a verse to substantiate this, but I think if you are being abused (physically, sexually, emotionally, mentally) then you can leave. At that point it's dangerous to be in the situation and especially if you have kids involved... no good.

with perseverance,
jessica

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dear jessica,

What is a good way to approach confronting a family member? Especially when you'll see that family member(s) often...

Confused by confrontation in Connecticut

Dear Confused,

First, really evaluate your motive for wanting to confront the person. Then, I honestly think a mature, adult conversation is the best way to handle this. Call them up (or if you are comfortable emailing... no texing) and ask them if you can meet for coffee, dinner, a walk, etc. And as hard as confrontation is sometimes, you gotta just bite the bullet and address the elephant in the room. Once you get together, bring up what is on your mind... be nice about it... if your motive is genuinely pure, your concern for them or the situation should show through. If it is something that the family member will need help with, offer to help or be willing to find help if you can't be that person. And be willing to listen to feedback... maybe you have a part in this and you have something to work on to. Be humble. If this is an issue you have to agree to disagree on, then be willing to set aside your differences when you are at family functions and avoid that issue. If the issue comes up, be the bigger person and bite your tongue or excuse yourself and leave the room. Life is too short to live at odds with family. You may not always agree with them, but they are still family and it's important to always support the person, even if you don't support their decisions. Sometimes there is nothing you can do about a family member who refuses to be civil and in those situations, once you've done all you can, just be nice and enjoy the company of everyone else.
Hope this answers your question...

peacefully yours,
jessica

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dear jessica,

What should I do about being friends with someone who I really like, but they want more out of the friendship than I do? I'm content with an occasional phone call and email, but every time we talk, she wants to meet for a meal or movie or some such thing. I should mention we are both girls, so it's not like a guy/girl problem.

signed, 30%

Dear 30%,

This is a tough situation to be in... I've been there. I think you can let this person know that while you really enjoy the friendship, you don't have as much time as she does to go out. Give her a realistic idea of how much time during the week or month you can actually spend outside the duties of your work, family, and household. Let her know that you still want to keep in touch by phone and email because while you may not have a few hours in your day to spend with her, there are times where you are busy doing something but can still chat on the phone (like cooking dinner, etc)... I think if you really like this person it's important to make time for the occasional meal or movie. Or maybe, you can invite her along to chat while you're waiting for your kids at soccer practice. Or let her know that you have a few errands to run, but she can ride along so you can "catch up." If you aren't honest with her, though, you will become frustrated each time she contacts you and that is just no good for anyone.

Been there,

jessica